With both hands open.

I first heard the phrase "with both hands open" in the movie version of "The Joy Luck Club." Something about the stories of women struggling to survive in other countries through radical culture changes and then coming to this country to make a new life, only to see their children who never knew the old life scoff until it's almost too late tugs at my soul. Maybe it has to do with how I grew up, and how little people understand of things unless they happen to be members of the "hellish nightmare of childhood" club. We're not having jackets made. A few knowing remarks and an unspoken sense of relief that someone knows, not imagines or sympathizes but *knows* the true depths that cheeky hyperbole and flippant remarks really indicate.
In the film, one of the mothers is watching her daughter desiccate in a loveless marriage that bears too close a resemblance from the very thing she fled China to escape. The mother urges her daughter to leave this cold gray house and her cold, gray man and not to give herself over until she finds a man who loves her with both hands open.

This phrase resonated with me, and does to this day. I started with this idea before I'd actually seen the movie when I came ot the realization that I should not lend out books that I could not afford, financially or sentimentally to make a gift. This prevented me from getting cranky at having given out something precious without laying out clear terms and just expecting that the other party would naturally see things the way I do.

A good scientist cannot afford to be attached to outcomes.

I do consider myself a scientist, and not just because I like science and finding stuff out. in my hallucination of the world, the universe is a conscious entity, and it is learning about itself with every experience we have. I don't believe we are heading toward any predetermined goal, no heaven or hell, but that we are simply seeing what we can learn and where that takes us.

Part of my experiment is figuring out where I fit in all of this. I know that I'm here to interact with other humans, and here to be acted upon. I know that my experiences have given me a ceratin outlook on things, that I have tools and tricks for getting through life that can be helpful in a number of situations. I have, for as long as I can remember, stood up for my friends against greater odds than I probably should have, spoken for those who were too timid to speak for themselves, and finally stopped when I realized I was doing it to keep from noticing myself. When Middle School Me is focusing on her friend's step-father rape, the beatings pale in comparative importance. And yet I know I did make things better for others. I know I did help, and often by taking over at least part of the problem and going into 'stage manager' mode. Years later, I would acutally become a stage manager, and be damn good at it.

Now I'm an adult, and one of the most important cards in my deck is the "no rescuing" card. That doesn't mean no helping, it means that I can't whirl in and take over, that my bossy-pants have to stay in the closet as I let people do their thing. I still haven't figured out where this crosses the line into 'witholding'. See, I also believe that we were each put here with a certain deck, a certain set of gifts and views and words that others are here to bounce off of and benefit from. I believe that if we try to be less than we are, if we let guilt or shame or doubt or fear make us smaller, then the people we encounter who are here for the "full delta experience" are not getting it. And that is a disservice to them. And I also believe that we are all exactly where we are supposed to be at the time we are supposed to be there, and that if things should have happened any other way they would have.

So am I supposed to help or not? Do I go with what I know and what feels right, or with what I think is the right thing to do? Do I let them flounder and wait to ask for my help? How can they ask if they don't know what I have to offer? It might surprise you to learn that I've grown rather accustomed to having one or both boots jammed firmly in my mouth, and just set a place for awkward moments at the table, because they're going to stop by anyway. Much like I came to terms long ago with the fact that I am Newton's bitch, I also surrender to the fact that I'm going to fuck up more times than I can count in life, and the best I can do is try to learn from it and do better next time.

And now we return to the title theme. The line I walk now is an attempt to give what I have to offer without trying to hold on to the outcome. I think this is the best I can do at the moment, and sometimes....often times it feels like it's not enough or I've done something I oughtn't. I have to trust that I'm not that big. That I have influence and sway, but that everyone I encounter has their own ship, their own guide and their own agency to make their life go the way they need to.

I have to give what I have to give with both hands open, for the greatest good of all involved, and trust that the thing that keeps me out of the dark places is strong enough to help us all.