I’ve begun to notice a pattern I have with regards to jealousy. Normally, I don’t think of myself as a jealous person, I have moments sure, as we all do, but as I gaze into my navel a larger picture becomes more clear. A wise lady once related to me her tale, she was with a gentleman affectionately known as X of Y, in that he was not the only focus of her attention. And yet when they were out one night she unexpectedly felt rather green about his flirtations with another. Upon reflection she realized this was because her relationship with him was still new and uncertain. It was the uncertainty of her standing that was causing issue. My hunch on the phenomenon is that when we know (or think we do) where we stand, we know what we bring to the table, are secure in our place and can thus compare ourselves more accurately.
Compare seems like the wrong word, it’s not a question of who is better but knowing what space we fill/occupy, and so it’s more clear that the other person is filling some other space and there’s less need to “fear for my job”. This is, of course, assuming that one has a reasonable understanding of who they are when they’re alone, are comfortable in that knowledge and thus have a useful baseline to which they can return.
Anyone who’s ever been in love ever knows in their bones the happy, giddy, irrational insecurity of the New Relationship Energy. This person is the most awesomest person ever and we should totally move in and get matching tattoos and be awesome 4EVAR! We’re wired for this as a species. It’s a chemical reaction that compels us to seek out mates with the force of stars slamming into each other, and if not handled carefully, with dramatic consequences of astronomical proportions.
In what is perhaps a testament to the primal and powerful force that this is, I note that in my heady(er) days of trying new things I acted more rationally with a head full of drugs, some so exotic they didn’t have street names yet, just some alphabet soup, than I do under the influence of NRE. I’ve had several sets of rules over the years tailored to keep me out of trouble during such times, and I’ve been able to follow them. And yet, when under the influence of the emotional tidewaters things that normally sound like *horrible* ideas, full of hubris, selfishness, bad planning, impulsive desires and insanity seem like the most compelling and reasonable plans a person could ask for. Even attempts to bounce ideas off of unaffected people to try to reduce the insanity only helps a little as the story I tell tends to be selective. It’s not that I’m trying to be sneaky, but because at the moment I really do need the thing I want or I’ll fucking die.
Really.
I’m just sure of it.
I’ve had to make blanket rules about things like not being allowed to set people up or otherwise interfere with a relationship if I’m dating either party. The things I need tend to overshadow the things they need and I push too hard (me? Pushy!?). Note that this is not the same as not being involved with anyone my partners choose to date. I’m just not allowed to play matchmaker or to lead or direct.
This leads me to the jealousy bit. In the throes of this delicious madness, I’m still trying to figure out the many ways I fit with this person. At this stage, anything is possible, there are so many roles I could play, nothing is certain but the drive to figure it out (often by trying out as many combinations as possible (ahem)).
If you’ve presence of mind enough to have a reasonable discussion about this, topics may include possible futures. For sure, talk about anyone with whom you’re currently involved and anyone who might be on the docket at that moment. Some light conversations about big pictures and goals and whatnot are also appropriate.
But for the love of Troy, don’t start heady conversations about the boy/girlfriends you want to seek out in the (near) future, wanting to find more lovers or subs or tops or spouses or what-have-you until a comfortable place has been reached, like, after the NRE has given us our brains back. Sure, I know it’s a possibility, and on an intellectual level I want you to be happy and find lots of friends and generally do your thing. I know that I’m not going to be your one and only, but my footing is still unsure, I don’t know where I fit yet, what I mean to you, and until I do I feel very replaceable. Things are delicate enough dealing with people who actually *are* involved and in play and juggling everyone’s feelings is a feat in itself without introducing hypothetical people as well. Now I have to compete with this person neither of us even knows about because I don’t know what I have to offer you that you want so I don’t know…..a lot.
There’s a lot of unknown. That beginning is a very delicate time where everyone wants to feel special and the crazy monkey inside is still under the influence of the “forever and always” drive, so it’s probably best to save the long rational discussions for when reason returns.
