On how to be human...

Some thoughts from many years ago that help me stay grounded. When I remember them.

I take full responsibility for my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental well-being. I absolve all others, living or dead, present or absent, from any responsibility for my well-being, happiness, agency, creativity, potential or ability to act.
I agree to be be respectful in my behaviour by asking for what I want directly.
I agree to acknowledge feedback, understanding that acknowledgment does not need to indicate agreement. I take full responsibility for my participation in this process. I am willing to have learning and transformation happen in ways that are loving and kind to me and everyone else. My feelings are not my responsibility. They are often messy, irrational and not readily understandable. My feelings are an unarguable truth. "I feel happy/sad/excited/afraid"
I will honor that truth and my feelings. My *actions* are absolutely my responsibility. Every action and word is a deliberate and controllable choice and should be for the greatest good of all involved to the best of my abilities.

Principles:
Mindfulness
Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity and acceptance of present moment reality. it wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present to these moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in out lives, but also fail to realize the richness and depth of out possibilities for growth and transformation.

Responsibility
To own one’s own experience. To acknowledge the event of experience, accept the feelings one felt of feels and the interpretations that one created without blame. take 100% responsibility for one’s own experience, being neither victim nor the enabler or persecutor.

Connectedness
“The Universe is unity, an interacting and genetically related community of beings bound together in an inseparable relationship in space and time; each being of the planet is profoundly implicated in the existence and functioning of every other being on the planet.” Thomas Berry

Somatosynthesis
Soma, means the body as experienced from within; synthesis, means the integration of elements into a unified whole, also, implying a particular method of realizing this whole. In this program somatosynthesis covers a wide range of methods and inner work that honor the body’s wisdom with the intent of healing and wholeness.

Self Expression
any form of creative expression that draws on inner sources: example - clay work, drawing, painting, dance, singing, music, writing, etc.

Truthfulness
To speak or write truthfully about one’s own experiences: sense, feel, think, want and do. This extends to the practice of speaking the “unarguable” truth.

Personal Knowing
Many of the above practices contribute to this sense of inner knowing along with a sense of self assurance and differentiation.

Flexibility
Fluid, yet grounded in the world: open to change, fluid like water. This applies to body, mind and spirit. As we know, they are interrelated. Examples of methods: somatic stretches, tai chi, movement, awareness of attitude, letting go.

Systemic Wisdom
An awareness of ourselves as systems and our inter-relationship within and to other systems; the ability to notice patterns in time and space that help us to have insight into out lives and the lives of others.

Commitment
The ability to express intentionality that arises out of a deep quality of caring, a sense of vision combines with responsibility and the ability to make, sustain and negotiate agreements leading to creative actions and being.

Creative, Conscious Living Skills.
Feelings:
Know what you are actually feeling when you are feeling it.
Discriminate between different feelings and sensations. i.e., between hunger and fear.
Know where your experience feelings in your body
Know the true source of your feelings (i.e. Some people thing the source of their anger is their
ex-wife, when it is actually in their relationship with their mother.)
Be able to talk about feelings in such a way that other people understand..
Be able to focus attention on feelings until they are no longer an issue.

Truth:
Communicate the details of what is going on in any given moment in a way that doesn’t blame
anyone.
Take responsibility for communication until the other person comprehends.
Be the source and initiator of truth in any situation.
Know the body sensations and experiences associate with being in a state of truth and
transparency and those associated with withholding.
Be able to tell the truth under duress.

Agreements:
Keep the agreements you make
Do not make agreements that you don’t want to make
Select arguments that you do not want to make
Know how to change agreements if they are not working
Come to the realm of making agreements from seeing that keeping agreements increases aliveness, rather than seeing that the world is making you do something

“If you try to dominate other people, you’re already defeated”
“People always do the best way they know how.”

Myths and Preconceptions about Feelings
Trish McKenny and Ebo Teichmann, Reach for the Stars 1997.

1. if I really feel my feelings, I’ll be overwhelmed.
2. if i allow myself to feel my feelings completely, they will never go away.
3. Feeling my feelings will make me irrational.
4. feeling my feelings will make me lose control.
5. feelings are dark, evil, dangerous and the work of the devil.
6. Allowing myself to fully feel my feelings is sinful.
7. I can choose not to have the feelings I don’t want.
8. Having strong feelings means that I am indulging myself.
9. Feeling my feelings means that I am weak. Strong people control their feelings.
10. When I ignore (suppress, distract myself from, anesthetize myself from, etc.) my feelings,
they go away.
11. Feelings have no place in rational behaviour.
12. Feelings are contagious from one person to another.
13. The best way to help someone in the grip of strong feelings is to try to talk them out of
having feelings.
14. Having the feelings of _________means _________.
15. Having strong feelings means that I am immature or unstable.
16. Expressing strong feelings to a person I am close to endangers the relationship and therefor I must never do it.
17. Other people can make me feel ____________.
18. I am helpless in the grip of my feelings.
19. If I feel something strongly, I’ll have to act on it.
20. Feelings are inferior to thoughts.
21. Feelings are not to be trusted.
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“The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” -Gibran

“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.” Bartholomew

“Courage is mastery of fear, not absence of fear” Mark Twain

Anger
“There are so many roots to the tree of anger that sometimes the branches shatter before they bear” Audre Lorde

“If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom in your hands?” Gibran

Anger is useful. Anger isn’t good or bad, it just is.
My anger is good for me, I can deal with anger effectively.
I pay attention to what my anger has ti teach me.
Anger is a survival tool, it can protect me.
Knowing how to handle anger is a survivor’s skill.

Constructive Anger
Express feelings honestly to yourself be tactful and honest with others
Try to see the world through the other person’s eyes, even though you disagree
Do something productive to solve the problem
Eventually let go of the anger, learn something and feel happy again.
Commit yourself to others' happiness, your goal is to feel closer to her or him
Look for a win/win solution

Destructive Anger
Deny your feelings or express by lashing out and attacking another
Argue defensively and make the other person wrong
Give up and see yourself as victim
Let anger become addictive. Don't let go of it
Avoid or reject the other person write him or her off
Continue to battle and compete. If one person wins, the other has to lose.
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Be brave. It takes courage to be happy.