I'm in the Schrodinger's Box phase of my cycle, also known as the luteal phase. For those of you playing along at home, that's the two weeks between ovulation and menstruation when you could be pregnant but don't know yet. This. is. tearing. me. apart.
This is the first cycle after my first period after my miscarriage. I've been pregnant three times. All of them died. My hands are shaking because I'm terrified. If I'm not pregnant, I'm worried it will be another Frigg-knows-how-long before I do. If I am pregnant, I'm terrified this will end like all the others.
I don't generally let on how much this bothers me. People feel bad and want to help but there's nothing they can do and all their suggestions sound like "the reason you fail at this is because..."
That drove me fucking mad the last time. I had some very well meaning but clueless people try to "help". My yoga teacher kept offering to teach me the "fertility series" which is a set that needs ot be done regularly, like clockwork. I told her that I would really mean to, but I just don't start new habits very easily and it wasn't the appropriate solution for me, but thank you. She offered over, and over, and over again until I asked her to please stop. She didn't know what else to do so she had one thing and used it every time until it felt like judgement. There's no scientific evidence this series helps, she doesn't know what's going on with my system, there's no guarantee this would help and it would just be one more thing that didn't work.
Also, I'm a fucking adult and fully capable of asking for help when I need it and knowing what's appropriate for me and not, and so stop telling me what I should do. This was the same person who, after my last miscarriage before I'd even stopped bleeding, was excitedly showing off her new hand-me-down baby clothes for her pregnancy. "isn't this cute? look at this one. Aww, this is adorable!" As I stand there and smile with dead baby dripping into my maxi pad. While I'm happy for you in the long run and this is a joyous occasion and whatnot would it fucking kill people to think for a second and maybe guess that this isn't appropriate?
I see people treating their kids like shit and i want to scream. I can't even look at "cute kid" photo collections anymore. Every time there's a baby on the bus I have to be careful how much i smile at them because I'm sure I'd start to lose it and freak them out.
I'm not "baby crazy", i'm not responding to my biological clock ticking and suddenly oh, hey, I want to do this now. This is *all* I've wanted to do. All of the work I've done on sorting my shit out, all of my education, all of my life to this point has been living a full and educational life so that I can be the best parent I can and make contentiousness, puzzle-solving, curious, accountable people. I want to get my house set up with kids, and once the last one's able to totter and ask for things, I want to take in foster kids like we had when we were little. I want to create a safe space for everyone and shelter at least a few from the fucked up system.
The idea that I might not be able to birth children is too big for me to even contemplate right now. Save your platitudes, I know "there's always adoption". I'm not fucking stupid. And by the way, don't *ever* say that to someone. All it shows is how grossly you've missed the point, how disconnected you are from what's going on and what an asshole you are. Someone in this situation doesn't need advice I can pick up from bus adverts. If that's all you have to say, shut the fuck up. People in rough emotional situations need you to *be there with them*, they don't need fucking advice and pithy statements. Just shut up, give them a hug if they want it and sit next to them quietly if you want to help. Don't expect anything, don't try to engage conversation that's not forthcoming. The person you are trying to help should not feel like they have to entertain you or make you feel comfortable. This goes double for funerals. Learn how to be a person, not a sound bite.
I'm worried I'll get more disconnected with each failed pregnancy. I'm worried that my failure to get really excited is what causes them to fail, like maybe i'm not channeling the energy right or something. the last one had a strong, clear heartbeat. two days later it was in my hands. I don't know what to do but go forward. I pretend that everything's fine because people don't know how to react so they wind up costing me more energy to reassure them or politely grin through their "help" than it's worth. I feel like a river of lava running under a thin shell of rock and I don't know if that rock is going to thicken and cool or break through. My courage is screwed to the sticking place, but the sticking place is starting to crack.
