There's been a lot of emo in this blog lately. Well, to say that discounts the reality of it. Honestly, I'm glad of the experience of it. I'm glad it's over, don't get me wrong. I'm not the sort who enjoys my unhappiness for the sake of unhappiness. Emotional pain, like physical pain is really just an unambiguous reminder that I'm alive. Pain can't hurt me, it's just a signal alerting me to another state, a potential danger that I'm then able to examine and analyze. Some of the moments, even though hard, still have a haunting beauty that I'd not trade for the world. I don't regret a single thing because, one, there's no point and two, it's gotten me where I am now.
And that, is someplace wonderful. I've been rather on the fence about whether to post certain things here or to start an anonymous type blog that gets into the finer details of the way I'm doing things. Then I remember that if any of my whole tens of readers aren't keen on it, well, there's a whole internet out there for you to like, I don't need that responsibility. I still don't feel the need to go cathartic with the disgusting details, but I don't feel worried about mentioning that I do honestly believe that one of the reasons we are here to experience and to create the experience of love and joy in the way it most makes sense to us. That the Universe benefits from our collective experience and when one of us finds happiness, we all find a little. So one focus that I keep coming back to is to stay on my own path, my own feet, my own joy and where others meet me, well, that's where the magic happens.
Part of this is being honest with myself. Sometimes I want something so much I try to force it. Don't we all? It never freaking works, because all that time forcing something has taken me off center an when I finally get the thing, it's not what I want because I don't even know where my feet are anymore. I'm trying to be more honest with myself and with others. I can't be more honest with others unless I know what I want in the first place, and the first step to that is figuring out why I'm afraid I might get it. What would happen if I succeed? If I fail? What happens if I just sit on my ass in my little pillow fort of fear and don't do a goddamn thing. At least failure is interesting.
So there's been a change of cast. The leads are still the same, but some of the character parts have exited and others have come onto the stage. I must say I'm rather pleased at the change. Many of the things that I've been making excuses for and leading and nudging and nurturing and waiting for are here. I'm frequently pleasantly surprised at the difference in starting place, or rather, the difference in meeting place between this new person and I. We're on the same page, but we've moved to a different chapter and many things I've wanted for a long time are finally looking like they're within reach. Spaces I can go to in my head, spaces I can go to in my body, the give and take doesn't feel like work, like something "to do" but something that just is done.
I'm trying not to attach too much to the future. I'm trying not to get too excited about potential in case it doesn't come true. But I think I can let a lot of that go. This one seems to understand the terms for what they are, and doesn't just consent to them, but is enthusiastically participant in the process both of having learned, of learning more and of meeting me where I seem to find myself at the moment. It could be there's more here. I'm not worrying about that at the moment. Future Me will handle it, she totally can.
For now I have a hale and hearty man in the fields, with whom I feel closer and more affectionate than I have in a long while. I feel like even the conversations and moments I'm careful about don't need to be as careful. that we're both in better place to trust each other and to take care of the little things in little ways.
I have one bonus man in the stable. Our relationship is just budding, but it seems we want very similar things, these some of these are very different from the space where HHM and I meet, and even in the short time I've been here, really looking into the two very different parts of myself have lead to a strengthening and spilling over of joy from one relationship into the other. And that's really what it's about for me, increasing the joy beyond the sum of its parts for everyone involved who chooses to play along.
I'm happy.
I'm also tired, because my happiness spilled over into the wee hours of yesterday, and it's now the wee hours of today, and my inner clock is a toddler who is convinced as soon as the sun comes up it's time for cereal and cartoons. I'm working on that. in the meantime, I sleep.
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