— Mark Z. Danielewski (House of Leaves)
It's easy for me to get lost in the moments. It's easy to feel like I'm living in the "now," and that's what the sages tell us to do, right? But it's not living in the now, it's trying to hold on to a single now, which very quickly becomes the past. And in holding on to it, I'm trying ot make it the future. I'm learning that in life, the past doesn't really care, and the future is having none of it. The Fates will spin the strings they damn well please and there's naught I can do about it.
I suppose there is still a part of me that's afraid that when I find something good, it might be the last bit for who knows how long and I want to hold on with both hands closed. When things are good, I let my guard get all droppy, and that's where the bad comes in. Or rather, where it did. When there were still people I allowed in my life who would look for openings and attack. Those people are gone and I'm slowly learning to trust that there is always more good, always more love, more happiness, more joy.
I know that there is a bigger picture. I'm learning to trust that my insights and dreams are not thwarted by temporary measures. That Now is just a moment, and good or bad that moment will pass and others will come. I get small glimpses of how it will be, I don't get a road map and a script. Trying to make things happen the way they make sense to me limits the possibilities of the Universe only to what I know, and that's a very small playing field indeed.
There are times when "bad" actions are a mercy. There are times when "good" actions can cause harm. As I say, comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. There is someone I would like to thank. This person's actions and intent have caused quite a bit of disruption in my life. I was very put out at the time. I wanted my moment to last as long as I wanted, I wanted to hold on to my little space of time. The Norns chuckled to themselves and kept on spinning.
In disrupting my moment, this person shook the siren song out of my ears, and I was able to swim back to shore. Once I found my feet, I realized they have done me a service. To get to my moment, there were bits I skipped over in haste and frenzy. I now have time to look at each moment with clear eyes. I now have time to see the beauty and the joy around me. I now have time to see that far from taking love away, she has given me space to grow the love planted all around me, to cherish each moment and the patience to let things grow at their own pace. I can no more force love than I can force my flowers to open early without injuring or destroying them. I'm sure this was not her intent, nor was it mine. But in doing what we need to do, things do seem to work out. As I cannot do so without causing harm, or at least without knowing I'm causing good, I thank her here.
If I try to hold on to the thread, it frays and kinks and tangles. If I let the Fates spin their magic, and let it flow over both hands, open, then all the beauty and joy and love in the world will flow freely to, through and by me. And there is always more.
It's easy for me to get lost in the moments. It's easy to feel like I'm living in the "now," and that's what the sages tell us to do, right? But it's not living in the now, it's trying to hold on to a single now, which very quickly becomes the past. And in holding on to it, I'm trying ot make it the future. I'm learning that in life, the past doesn't really care, and the future is having none of it. The Fates will spin the strings they damn well please and there's naught I can do about it.
I suppose there is still a part of me that's afraid that when I find something good, it might be the last bit for who knows how long and I want to hold on with both hands closed. When things are good, I let my guard get all droppy, and that's where the bad comes in. Or rather, where it did. When there were still people I allowed in my life who would look for openings and attack. Those people are gone and I'm slowly learning to trust that there is always more good, always more love, more happiness, more joy.
I know that there is a bigger picture. I'm learning to trust that my insights and dreams are not thwarted by temporary measures. That Now is just a moment, and good or bad that moment will pass and others will come. I get small glimpses of how it will be, I don't get a road map and a script. Trying to make things happen the way they make sense to me limits the possibilities of the Universe only to what I know, and that's a very small playing field indeed.
There are times when "bad" actions are a mercy. There are times when "good" actions can cause harm. As I say, comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. There is someone I would like to thank. This person's actions and intent have caused quite a bit of disruption in my life. I was very put out at the time. I wanted my moment to last as long as I wanted, I wanted to hold on to my little space of time. The Norns chuckled to themselves and kept on spinning.
In disrupting my moment, this person shook the siren song out of my ears, and I was able to swim back to shore. Once I found my feet, I realized they have done me a service. To get to my moment, there were bits I skipped over in haste and frenzy. I now have time to look at each moment with clear eyes. I now have time to see the beauty and the joy around me. I now have time to see that far from taking love away, she has given me space to grow the love planted all around me, to cherish each moment and the patience to let things grow at their own pace. I can no more force love than I can force my flowers to open early without injuring or destroying them. I'm sure this was not her intent, nor was it mine. But in doing what we need to do, things do seem to work out. As I cannot do so without causing harm, or at least without knowing I'm causing good, I thank her here.
If I try to hold on to the thread, it frays and kinks and tangles. If I let the Fates spin their magic, and let it flow over both hands, open, then all the beauty and joy and love in the world will flow freely to, through and by me. And there is always more.
1 comment:
I had to read this three times. And I'm still reflecting.
Thank you for this.
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