I love shiny things. And fun things. And super awesome adventures. And stories. And stories *about* super awesome shiny adventures! I especially love story time when I have something new and shiny and think about all the fun adventures we could have and all the places we could go and the things we can see and plot and plan and build castles in the sky.
Aaaand ya, I kind of get carried away.
What, me? The very picture of moderation and restraint? It would seem there's a fine line between story time and getting all up in Future Me's business causing hell. See, I have this vision of where I want to be in the future, what kind of family I want and the kinds of people I want around me. Sometimes when I find someone who is interested a little group storytelling, we go back and forth for a while and I lay down the whole epic saga. Even though it seems shiny and awesome, it seems this can be a little daunting. I'm coming to find that not everyone has their own shiny epic plotted out to compare notes right off the bat. And getting the whole thing at once, or even in increments at the beginning can cause a sort of "deer in the headlights" moment that I seem to mistake for plotting. Sometimes when I hear something neat, I sometimes kind of zone out lightly as I figure out how to make it work. It would seem that when other people hear something big and zone out, it can be because they're a little overwhelmed but I seem so excited that they don't want to kill the mood but damn could I slow down a little?
The deeper I dig into my head, the further the rabbit hole seems to go. Every time I feel like I have a handle on things and finally manage to peel back that last paper-thin film of crazy to uncover what I hope is finally some sense of "there", I discover that it's just another layer of crazy-onion, and there's so much more to go. I keep wondering when I'm going to get it right, and then I remember that it's all a work in progress and that I can only do what I do because Past Me didn't know what I know now, she was working on other things. Future Me, on the other hand, I'm sure is getting really tired of me trying to upstage her and Bogart her gig. I keep wanting the whole shiny story now and loose track of what's right in front of me. And when I'm caught up in the story, everything that happens now has repercussions that I weigh against the the whole future story and start pouting when I won't get the pony I don't even have yet. Sometimes I'm like NASA planning a shuttle launch, all careful and cautious and covering all the angles. Sometimes, especially it seems when it involves people I like, I become Johnny Awesome on a quest all "the arrow points that way, onward!" (later) "What exposition? You mean I was supposed to *read* too?". It's like a freaking five year old built my psyche out of bubblegum and glitter....oh, wait.
Where things have been getting better with the Mr., they've been getting weird and distant with, B. We argue about the dumbest stuff, and then spend an hour arguing about why we're arguing. Part of what I'd figured out is that we tend to be really similar. Our shiny red buttons are so close together we get into feedback loops that take on a life of their own. We've tried to resolve this a number of ways and nothing seemed to be working. This last weekend the Nothing we were arguing about started collapsing back into itself. We were reaching a breaking point, contemplating if we could even continue. I knew there were things I needed to say, but my brain was so full of crunching and "FUCK" that I couldn't think of what it was.
We finally turned out the lights and settled into an awkward not-tired pretending-we're-going-to-sleep-now.
And then the talking started. The quiet, timid talk that exhaustion resignation to the inevitable brings. What else do we have to loose? He said that he did feel overwhelmed. That we went so fast, in spite of declaring we'd take it slow, that new thing got piled on top of expectation on top of inexperience on top of excitement. Not surprisingly, we started slipping rather rapidly. He felt like I always wanted more, and I did, because there's a lot of neat stuff out there, but it began to seem like he could never give me enough. he started to pull back, and I'd think it was something wrong so I'd try harder to make it work, to try to explain to him why he was doing it wrong so we could do it right. I didn't mean that the way it might sound, I really felt like I was trying to give him the keys and cheat sheets to my brain-meats, but it came off as yet another reason why he was wrong. I couldn't figure out why he wasn't seeing things right, and then I started examining my own lenses. I realized that I'd been holding him accountable not just for his actions and responses now, but for how they would affect me in the future and how they would fit into a relationship we don't have yet in a house that doesn't exist yet. I realized was taking his resistance as a sign that he didn't want to go the distance, but that was never an agreement he'd actually made. I was letting the weight of what I wanted for the future cause some serious discord in what I had right in front of me. I have a good friend with an adventurous streak who's in a different stage of figuring out what he wants in life. I care about him very much and I'm curious to see what he'll do. I also know that there are some places he probably won't fit, and that my specific saga some years in the future might not feature him as a lead player. Maybe things will change, but there's too much good now to strain it to breaking for a handful of "maybe."
It's hard letting go of outcomes. I forget that from time to time I trust in forces larger than I to sort things out and have my best interest at hand. I forget that I've seen this borne out time and time again, and there has never been anything that's happened to me that has not made me better for it. It's really hard getting it through my head that if I'm going to play with conscientious, puzzle-solving monkeys who lead interesting lives, I'm going to have to accept that those lives won't always go the way I want them to. Their pasts, presents and futures are different, and that's the whole *point* for me, to see how other people do it and learn what I can from them. If their paths happen to line up with mine for a while, that's awesome, but I only have the ground under my feet, not their feet, and not where my feet are about to be. Getting caught up in what isn't is a great way to invalidate the experiences of the others who are here with me now.
The rest of the weekend went better, there were still a lot of unanswered questions. When I got home, I finally had a moment to figure out most of what I've penned here, and wrote a letter of apology/explanation/where-do-we-go-now in hopes of letting him know that much of what he'd said was right, and I'd finally figured out why he was right and that I'd try to take the seriousness out of it. To stop holding him accountable for things neither of us have control over and to stop getting up in Future Me's business. I have a great thing right here. I don't know what will become of it, how long it will last or what it may or may not grow into, but I know that if I keep trying to make it something it isn't, I will destroy what is along with even the chance of getting the pony.
Now I wait for the reply. I hate waiting. But I will, because though they may chafe in places, the grown-up pants make my ass look fantastic.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Jealousy and NRE
I’ve begun to notice a pattern I have with regards to jealousy. Normally, I don’t think of myself as a jealous person, I have moments sure, as we all do, but as I gaze into my navel a larger picture becomes more clear. A wise lady once related to me her tale, she was with a gentleman affectionately known as X of Y, in that he was not the only focus of her attention. And yet when they were out one night she unexpectedly felt rather green about his flirtations with another. Upon reflection she realized this was because her relationship with him was still new and uncertain. It was the uncertainty of her standing that was causing issue. My hunch on the phenomenon is that when we know (or think we do) where we stand, we know what we bring to the table, are secure in our place and can thus compare ourselves more accurately.
Compare seems like the wrong word, it’s not a question of who is better but knowing what space we fill/occupy, and so it’s more clear that the other person is filling some other space and there’s less need to “fear for my job”. This is, of course, assuming that one has a reasonable understanding of who they are when they’re alone, are comfortable in that knowledge and thus have a useful baseline to which they can return.
Anyone who’s ever been in love ever knows in their bones the happy, giddy, irrational insecurity of the New Relationship Energy. This person is the most awesomest person ever and we should totally move in and get matching tattoos and be awesome 4EVAR! We’re wired for this as a species. It’s a chemical reaction that compels us to seek out mates with the force of stars slamming into each other, and if not handled carefully, with dramatic consequences of astronomical proportions.
In what is perhaps a testament to the primal and powerful force that this is, I note that in my heady(er) days of trying new things I acted more rationally with a head full of drugs, some so exotic they didn’t have street names yet, just some alphabet soup, than I do under the influence of NRE. I’ve had several sets of rules over the years tailored to keep me out of trouble during such times, and I’ve been able to follow them. And yet, when under the influence of the emotional tidewaters things that normally sound like *horrible* ideas, full of hubris, selfishness, bad planning, impulsive desires and insanity seem like the most compelling and reasonable plans a person could ask for. Even attempts to bounce ideas off of unaffected people to try to reduce the insanity only helps a little as the story I tell tends to be selective. It’s not that I’m trying to be sneaky, but because at the moment I really do need the thing I want or I’ll fucking die.
Really.
I’m just sure of it.
I’ve had to make blanket rules about things like not being allowed to set people up or otherwise interfere with a relationship if I’m dating either party. The things I need tend to overshadow the things they need and I push too hard (me? Pushy!?). Note that this is not the same as not being involved with anyone my partners choose to date. I’m just not allowed to play matchmaker or to lead or direct.
This leads me to the jealousy bit. In the throes of this delicious madness, I’m still trying to figure out the many ways I fit with this person. At this stage, anything is possible, there are so many roles I could play, nothing is certain but the drive to figure it out (often by trying out as many combinations as possible (ahem)).
If you’ve presence of mind enough to have a reasonable discussion about this, topics may include possible futures. For sure, talk about anyone with whom you’re currently involved and anyone who might be on the docket at that moment. Some light conversations about big pictures and goals and whatnot are also appropriate.
But for the love of Troy, don’t start heady conversations about the boy/girlfriends you want to seek out in the (near) future, wanting to find more lovers or subs or tops or spouses or what-have-you until a comfortable place has been reached, like, after the NRE has given us our brains back. Sure, I know it’s a possibility, and on an intellectual level I want you to be happy and find lots of friends and generally do your thing. I know that I’m not going to be your one and only, but my footing is still unsure, I don’t know where I fit yet, what I mean to you, and until I do I feel very replaceable. Things are delicate enough dealing with people who actually *are* involved and in play and juggling everyone’s feelings is a feat in itself without introducing hypothetical people as well. Now I have to compete with this person neither of us even knows about because I don’t know what I have to offer you that you want so I don’t know…..a lot.
There’s a lot of unknown. That beginning is a very delicate time where everyone wants to feel special and the crazy monkey inside is still under the influence of the “forever and always” drive, so it’s probably best to save the long rational discussions for when reason returns.
Monday, September 20, 2010
On how to be human...
Some thoughts from many years ago that help me stay grounded. When I remember them.
I take full responsibility for my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental well-being. I absolve all others, living or dead, present or absent, from any responsibility for my well-being, happiness, agency, creativity, potential or ability to act.
I agree to be be respectful in my behaviour by asking for what I want directly.
I agree to acknowledge feedback, understanding that acknowledgment does not need to indicate agreement. I take full responsibility for my participation in this process. I am willing to have learning and transformation happen in ways that are loving and kind to me and everyone else. My feelings are not my responsibility. They are often messy, irrational and not readily understandable. My feelings are an unarguable truth. "I feel happy/sad/excited/afraid"
I will honor that truth and my feelings. My *actions* are absolutely my responsibility. Every action and word is a deliberate and controllable choice and should be for the greatest good of all involved to the best of my abilities.
Principles:
Mindfulness
Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity and acceptance of present moment reality. it wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present to these moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in out lives, but also fail to realize the richness and depth of out possibilities for growth and transformation.
Responsibility
To own one’s own experience. To acknowledge the event of experience, accept the feelings one felt of feels and the interpretations that one created without blame. take 100% responsibility for one’s own experience, being neither victim nor the enabler or persecutor.
Connectedness
“The Universe is unity, an interacting and genetically related community of beings bound together in an inseparable relationship in space and time; each being of the planet is profoundly implicated in the existence and functioning of every other being on the planet.” Thomas Berry
Somatosynthesis
Soma, means the body as experienced from within; synthesis, means the integration of elements into a unified whole, also, implying a particular method of realizing this whole. In this program somatosynthesis covers a wide range of methods and inner work that honor the body’s wisdom with the intent of healing and wholeness.
Self Expression
any form of creative expression that draws on inner sources: example - clay work, drawing, painting, dance, singing, music, writing, etc.
Truthfulness
To speak or write truthfully about one’s own experiences: sense, feel, think, want and do. This extends to the practice of speaking the “unarguable” truth.
Personal Knowing
Many of the above practices contribute to this sense of inner knowing along with a sense of self assurance and differentiation.
Flexibility
Fluid, yet grounded in the world: open to change, fluid like water. This applies to body, mind and spirit. As we know, they are interrelated. Examples of methods: somatic stretches, tai chi, movement, awareness of attitude, letting go.
Systemic Wisdom
An awareness of ourselves as systems and our inter-relationship within and to other systems; the ability to notice patterns in time and space that help us to have insight into out lives and the lives of others.
Commitment
The ability to express intentionality that arises out of a deep quality of caring, a sense of vision combines with responsibility and the ability to make, sustain and negotiate agreements leading to creative actions and being.
Creative, Conscious Living Skills.
Feelings:
Know what you are actually feeling when you are feeling it.
Discriminate between different feelings and sensations. i.e., between hunger and fear.
Know where your experience feelings in your body
Know the true source of your feelings (i.e. Some people thing the source of their anger is their
ex-wife, when it is actually in their relationship with their mother.)
Be able to talk about feelings in such a way that other people understand..
Be able to focus attention on feelings until they are no longer an issue.
Truth:
Communicate the details of what is going on in any given moment in a way that doesn’t blame
anyone.
Take responsibility for communication until the other person comprehends.
Be the source and initiator of truth in any situation.
Know the body sensations and experiences associate with being in a state of truth and
transparency and those associated with withholding.
Be able to tell the truth under duress.
Agreements:
Keep the agreements you make
Do not make agreements that you don’t want to make
Select arguments that you do not want to make
Know how to change agreements if they are not working
Come to the realm of making agreements from seeing that keeping agreements increases aliveness, rather than seeing that the world is making you do something
“If you try to dominate other people, you’re already defeated”
“People always do the best way they know how.”
Myths and Preconceptions about Feelings
Trish McKenny and Ebo Teichmann, Reach for the Stars 1997.
1. if I really feel my feelings, I’ll be overwhelmed.
2. if i allow myself to feel my feelings completely, they will never go away.
3. Feeling my feelings will make me irrational.
4. feeling my feelings will make me lose control.
5. feelings are dark, evil, dangerous and the work of the devil.
6. Allowing myself to fully feel my feelings is sinful.
7. I can choose not to have the feelings I don’t want.
8. Having strong feelings means that I am indulging myself.
9. Feeling my feelings means that I am weak. Strong people control their feelings.
10. When I ignore (suppress, distract myself from, anesthetize myself from, etc.) my feelings,
they go away.
11. Feelings have no place in rational behaviour.
12. Feelings are contagious from one person to another.
13. The best way to help someone in the grip of strong feelings is to try to talk them out of
having feelings.
14. Having the feelings of _________means _________.
15. Having strong feelings means that I am immature or unstable.
16. Expressing strong feelings to a person I am close to endangers the relationship and therefor I must never do it.
17. Other people can make me feel ____________.
18. I am helpless in the grip of my feelings.
19. If I feel something strongly, I’ll have to act on it.
20. Feelings are inferior to thoughts.
21. Feelings are not to be trusted.
------------------
“The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” -Gibran
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.” Bartholomew
“Courage is mastery of fear, not absence of fear” Mark Twain
Anger
“There are so many roots to the tree of anger that sometimes the branches shatter before they bear” Audre Lorde
“If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom in your hands?” Gibran
Anger is useful. Anger isn’t good or bad, it just is.
My anger is good for me, I can deal with anger effectively.
I pay attention to what my anger has ti teach me.
Anger is a survival tool, it can protect me.
Knowing how to handle anger is a survivor’s skill.
Constructive Anger
Express feelings honestly to yourself be tactful and honest with others
Try to see the world through the other person’s eyes, even though you disagree
Do something productive to solve the problem
Eventually let go of the anger, learn something and feel happy again.
Commit yourself to others' happiness, your goal is to feel closer to her or him
Look for a win/win solution
Destructive Anger
Deny your feelings or express by lashing out and attacking another
Argue defensively and make the other person wrong
Give up and see yourself as victim
Let anger become addictive. Don't let go of it
Avoid or reject the other person write him or her off
Continue to battle and compete. If one person wins, the other has to lose.
------------------
Be brave. It takes courage to be happy.
I take full responsibility for my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental well-being. I absolve all others, living or dead, present or absent, from any responsibility for my well-being, happiness, agency, creativity, potential or ability to act.
I agree to be be respectful in my behaviour by asking for what I want directly.
I agree to acknowledge feedback, understanding that acknowledgment does not need to indicate agreement. I take full responsibility for my participation in this process. I am willing to have learning and transformation happen in ways that are loving and kind to me and everyone else. My feelings are not my responsibility. They are often messy, irrational and not readily understandable. My feelings are an unarguable truth. "I feel happy/sad/excited/afraid"
I will honor that truth and my feelings. My *actions* are absolutely my responsibility. Every action and word is a deliberate and controllable choice and should be for the greatest good of all involved to the best of my abilities.
Principles:
Mindfulness
Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity and acceptance of present moment reality. it wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present to these moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in out lives, but also fail to realize the richness and depth of out possibilities for growth and transformation.
Responsibility
To own one’s own experience. To acknowledge the event of experience, accept the feelings one felt of feels and the interpretations that one created without blame. take 100% responsibility for one’s own experience, being neither victim nor the enabler or persecutor.
Connectedness
“The Universe is unity, an interacting and genetically related community of beings bound together in an inseparable relationship in space and time; each being of the planet is profoundly implicated in the existence and functioning of every other being on the planet.” Thomas Berry
Somatosynthesis
Soma, means the body as experienced from within; synthesis, means the integration of elements into a unified whole, also, implying a particular method of realizing this whole. In this program somatosynthesis covers a wide range of methods and inner work that honor the body’s wisdom with the intent of healing and wholeness.
Self Expression
any form of creative expression that draws on inner sources: example - clay work, drawing, painting, dance, singing, music, writing, etc.
Truthfulness
To speak or write truthfully about one’s own experiences: sense, feel, think, want and do. This extends to the practice of speaking the “unarguable” truth.
Personal Knowing
Many of the above practices contribute to this sense of inner knowing along with a sense of self assurance and differentiation.
Flexibility
Fluid, yet grounded in the world: open to change, fluid like water. This applies to body, mind and spirit. As we know, they are interrelated. Examples of methods: somatic stretches, tai chi, movement, awareness of attitude, letting go.
Systemic Wisdom
An awareness of ourselves as systems and our inter-relationship within and to other systems; the ability to notice patterns in time and space that help us to have insight into out lives and the lives of others.
Commitment
The ability to express intentionality that arises out of a deep quality of caring, a sense of vision combines with responsibility and the ability to make, sustain and negotiate agreements leading to creative actions and being.
Creative, Conscious Living Skills.
Feelings:
Know what you are actually feeling when you are feeling it.
Discriminate between different feelings and sensations. i.e., between hunger and fear.
Know where your experience feelings in your body
Know the true source of your feelings (i.e. Some people thing the source of their anger is their
ex-wife, when it is actually in their relationship with their mother.)
Be able to talk about feelings in such a way that other people understand..
Be able to focus attention on feelings until they are no longer an issue.
Truth:
Communicate the details of what is going on in any given moment in a way that doesn’t blame
anyone.
Take responsibility for communication until the other person comprehends.
Be the source and initiator of truth in any situation.
Know the body sensations and experiences associate with being in a state of truth and
transparency and those associated with withholding.
Be able to tell the truth under duress.
Agreements:
Keep the agreements you make
Do not make agreements that you don’t want to make
Select arguments that you do not want to make
Know how to change agreements if they are not working
Come to the realm of making agreements from seeing that keeping agreements increases aliveness, rather than seeing that the world is making you do something
“If you try to dominate other people, you’re already defeated”
“People always do the best way they know how.”
Myths and Preconceptions about Feelings
Trish McKenny and Ebo Teichmann, Reach for the Stars 1997.
1. if I really feel my feelings, I’ll be overwhelmed.
2. if i allow myself to feel my feelings completely, they will never go away.
3. Feeling my feelings will make me irrational.
4. feeling my feelings will make me lose control.
5. feelings are dark, evil, dangerous and the work of the devil.
6. Allowing myself to fully feel my feelings is sinful.
7. I can choose not to have the feelings I don’t want.
8. Having strong feelings means that I am indulging myself.
9. Feeling my feelings means that I am weak. Strong people control their feelings.
10. When I ignore (suppress, distract myself from, anesthetize myself from, etc.) my feelings,
they go away.
11. Feelings have no place in rational behaviour.
12. Feelings are contagious from one person to another.
13. The best way to help someone in the grip of strong feelings is to try to talk them out of
having feelings.
14. Having the feelings of _________means _________.
15. Having strong feelings means that I am immature or unstable.
16. Expressing strong feelings to a person I am close to endangers the relationship and therefor I must never do it.
17. Other people can make me feel ____________.
18. I am helpless in the grip of my feelings.
19. If I feel something strongly, I’ll have to act on it.
20. Feelings are inferior to thoughts.
21. Feelings are not to be trusted.
------------------
“The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” -Gibran
“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.” Bartholomew
“Courage is mastery of fear, not absence of fear” Mark Twain
Anger
“There are so many roots to the tree of anger that sometimes the branches shatter before they bear” Audre Lorde
“If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom in your hands?” Gibran
Anger is useful. Anger isn’t good or bad, it just is.
My anger is good for me, I can deal with anger effectively.
I pay attention to what my anger has ti teach me.
Anger is a survival tool, it can protect me.
Knowing how to handle anger is a survivor’s skill.
Constructive Anger
Express feelings honestly to yourself be tactful and honest with others
Try to see the world through the other person’s eyes, even though you disagree
Do something productive to solve the problem
Eventually let go of the anger, learn something and feel happy again.
Commit yourself to others' happiness, your goal is to feel closer to her or him
Look for a win/win solution
Destructive Anger
Deny your feelings or express by lashing out and attacking another
Argue defensively and make the other person wrong
Give up and see yourself as victim
Let anger become addictive. Don't let go of it
Avoid or reject the other person write him or her off
Continue to battle and compete. If one person wins, the other has to lose.
------------------
Be brave. It takes courage to be happy.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Of possible interest to my Polywogs
The Youtube collection of colossal fuck-ups and the lessons so far:
1. Don't be a Dick.
This sounds simple but it's actually a multiple part series. You see, not being a dick requires constant check-ins and feedback. On this journey we are not carving new relationships out of the living rock. We are not pristine blocks of marble from which we simply carve away everything that is not a statue. We are heaps of precariously places boulders and rubble all set as temporary fixes to immediate problems that seemed to hold, so we forgot that the layer was mostly bubblegum and duct tape and built on top of it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Indeed it is what all us irrational pattern seeking monkeys do from the time we are born, we fit the world together the what it makes sense to us at the time.
As we grow up, we start to re-structure. We learn new names for things, new ideas, new ways to stack the rocks we already have and get new ones to fill in the cracks. The important thing to remember is that we are never done with this process. There are always new rocks that will fit somewhere.
As anyone who is familiar with blocks and piles knows, when you move something in the pile, the rest shifts a little. And there's no way of knowing whether that giant boulder will cause no movement at all or that tiny pebble will be the thing that starts an avalanche. It is because we want a strong foundation that we take that risk, and really, if a pebble can cause a landslide, the stack wasn't that stable to begin with. These moments of failure are really blessings, helpers, universal forces who undo our childlike attempts and show us the right way. We can be childish when this happens, throw a fit, pout, cry, make it someone else's fault or quit. Or, we can be childlike and curious, seeing there are things we do not know and keeping a heart of gratitude and adventure to learn the strength of the true thing, and not just the flash of the appearance.
This is when the pile is just us. When there are other people we care about in our lives, things get more complicated. Our piles start to get closer to each other, and a shift in ours can have a small or massive effect on those we love.
A good rule of thumb is, if you have discovered something new about yourself, if you've changed something, learned, decided to do something better or different, the people around you are directly affected. Odds are really, really good that those closest to you have been compensating and adapting and working with that thing, and when you change and grow if you don't deliberately ask your partner(s) how they feel, how it has affected them, what their thoughts are and *thank them* for their support thus far, it doesn't feel awesome to be them. No matter how trivial a thing may feel to you, it may have been a colossal burden to them. One that the bravely bore, to be sure, because they love you, but think of it like taking something heavy off a waiter's tray without asking. You think you're helping, but unless you talk and listen there could be a spectacular display of physics as they try to adapt. Or, more like you've been holding a door closed, and they've been helping you, shouldering a good part of the burden and straining to help. You suddenly decide that door doesn't need to be closed anymore and move without warning. They stumble to catch their balance, and when they do, they *will* be waiting, wanting, yearning for some sort of acknowledgment that their help was appreciated.
If you have changed any rules, or figured out things that have been bugging you stop and evaluate. My most recent example is coming up with specific rules for different partners for dates and parties. I discovered after writing them down, the things that made me feel not-awesome were the very things I'd been doing to those I loved. If it is a rule for someone else, hold yourself to the same standard unless you've explicitly agreed to do something else. And not just consent, Enthusiastic Participation. If they have to be home at a certain time, so do you. If they can't leave/have marks, neither can you. If you decide to change a rule, say, that marks are ok now, this is one of those shifting boulders that needs settling and checking in and talking and agreeing before one acts on it.
Ad hoc changes are for people who don't mind swimming for the bridges they've burnt.
Coming up with party rules was a very recent development, and we've yet to find the time to go over them. I imagine I've got a bit of emotional fallout coming because of events past. I was, in fact, a dick. I made assumptions and decisions based on what I thought I would be fine with and told my partner he should have been fine with it too. I based my expectations of his experience on my own and couldn't understand why my introverted, stoic partner at his first event full of people he didn't know would possibly feel hurt or left out when I wanted to leave him while we were on vacation together with no clear rules or expectations other than that he was on vacation with his wife, to go out with some guy I just met.
Clearly he should have introduced himself better, been clearer about volunteering information that wasn't clear to him, asserted needs he wasn't sure he even had and just gone out and met some hot thing to keep him occupied while I was away. Easy as pie.
Total Dick.
Sure, he needs to be responsible for making his needs known, for telling me how he's feeling and for how he presents himself to the world. But I need to think about what *I* want too. Do I want to have a brief fling with lots of drama, or do I want to pull my head out of my clit for 5 minutes and built a future? Do I want this to be fun just for me or do I want everyone to have fun? This could mean I have to pull back, I have to give up some things I want to make sure everyone is pretty happy and wanting to do it again and better next time instead of having me ecstatic, until the aftermath where I discover that my fun came at the expense of making others miserable, hurt and angry. Do I want a disposable toy or do I want to build clan, with all the shiny and all of the work that separates the Poly community from the swingers.
How I discovered I was being a dick was twofold. One, I have two fabulous men that are smart and I trust tell me they both observed the same patterns in separate conversations. One person says you do a thing, you can argue the point. Two people tell you, it's not them, it's you (DAMNIT!) Second, I got a taste of my own medicine. At an event the person I was with found something shiny. He wanted to go play and instead of asking questions and thinking about what I really needed, I gave the answer I thought I should to make him happy and answered from a place I wasn't but thought I should have been. I consented, but not enthusiastically. So, when it came time to do the thing, the things I'd not stopped to consider became big, red, candy-like buttons and I wound up walking alone, in the dark, through the woods looking for something to do. This story does have a happy ending because my people are awesome and this person in particular reads me like a book no matter how much I try to hide it.
But the point is, if the extroverted bubbly one who knows half the freaks there and can get into adventures and have fun during *JURY DUTY* was feeling alone and abandoned and emo and not awesome, how much more for the others before me that I'd treated thus? Clearly, they are better men than I because I'd have had a screaming pouty fit if I'd done that to me.
Trust me, if you don't stop and ask other people if you are being a dick, you are. If you think everything is fine and others are just being too sensitive or needy or demanding or dumb, you are the dick. Poly is about finding the Pareto Optimal point where everyone wins. If you're not actively seeking that level, actively engaging in looking at what other people need and checking to make sure you're reading correctly and getting the whole message, and if you're not doing these things with a gentle, open heart, ready to hear that you may not be perfect and the people you love need you without throwing a fit or getting defensive, you are the one everyone is walking on eggshells around. If it seems too easy, that's because others are picking up your slack. Don't be "that guy."
Don't be a dick.
1. Don't be a Dick.
This sounds simple but it's actually a multiple part series. You see, not being a dick requires constant check-ins and feedback. On this journey we are not carving new relationships out of the living rock. We are not pristine blocks of marble from which we simply carve away everything that is not a statue. We are heaps of precariously places boulders and rubble all set as temporary fixes to immediate problems that seemed to hold, so we forgot that the layer was mostly bubblegum and duct tape and built on top of it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Indeed it is what all us irrational pattern seeking monkeys do from the time we are born, we fit the world together the what it makes sense to us at the time.
As we grow up, we start to re-structure. We learn new names for things, new ideas, new ways to stack the rocks we already have and get new ones to fill in the cracks. The important thing to remember is that we are never done with this process. There are always new rocks that will fit somewhere.
As anyone who is familiar with blocks and piles knows, when you move something in the pile, the rest shifts a little. And there's no way of knowing whether that giant boulder will cause no movement at all or that tiny pebble will be the thing that starts an avalanche. It is because we want a strong foundation that we take that risk, and really, if a pebble can cause a landslide, the stack wasn't that stable to begin with. These moments of failure are really blessings, helpers, universal forces who undo our childlike attempts and show us the right way. We can be childish when this happens, throw a fit, pout, cry, make it someone else's fault or quit. Or, we can be childlike and curious, seeing there are things we do not know and keeping a heart of gratitude and adventure to learn the strength of the true thing, and not just the flash of the appearance.
This is when the pile is just us. When there are other people we care about in our lives, things get more complicated. Our piles start to get closer to each other, and a shift in ours can have a small or massive effect on those we love.
A good rule of thumb is, if you have discovered something new about yourself, if you've changed something, learned, decided to do something better or different, the people around you are directly affected. Odds are really, really good that those closest to you have been compensating and adapting and working with that thing, and when you change and grow if you don't deliberately ask your partner(s) how they feel, how it has affected them, what their thoughts are and *thank them* for their support thus far, it doesn't feel awesome to be them. No matter how trivial a thing may feel to you, it may have been a colossal burden to them. One that the bravely bore, to be sure, because they love you, but think of it like taking something heavy off a waiter's tray without asking. You think you're helping, but unless you talk and listen there could be a spectacular display of physics as they try to adapt. Or, more like you've been holding a door closed, and they've been helping you, shouldering a good part of the burden and straining to help. You suddenly decide that door doesn't need to be closed anymore and move without warning. They stumble to catch their balance, and when they do, they *will* be waiting, wanting, yearning for some sort of acknowledgment that their help was appreciated.
If you have changed any rules, or figured out things that have been bugging you stop and evaluate. My most recent example is coming up with specific rules for different partners for dates and parties. I discovered after writing them down, the things that made me feel not-awesome were the very things I'd been doing to those I loved. If it is a rule for someone else, hold yourself to the same standard unless you've explicitly agreed to do something else. And not just consent, Enthusiastic Participation. If they have to be home at a certain time, so do you. If they can't leave/have marks, neither can you. If you decide to change a rule, say, that marks are ok now, this is one of those shifting boulders that needs settling and checking in and talking and agreeing before one acts on it.
Ad hoc changes are for people who don't mind swimming for the bridges they've burnt.
Coming up with party rules was a very recent development, and we've yet to find the time to go over them. I imagine I've got a bit of emotional fallout coming because of events past. I was, in fact, a dick. I made assumptions and decisions based on what I thought I would be fine with and told my partner he should have been fine with it too. I based my expectations of his experience on my own and couldn't understand why my introverted, stoic partner at his first event full of people he didn't know would possibly feel hurt or left out when I wanted to leave him while we were on vacation together with no clear rules or expectations other than that he was on vacation with his wife, to go out with some guy I just met.
Clearly he should have introduced himself better, been clearer about volunteering information that wasn't clear to him, asserted needs he wasn't sure he even had and just gone out and met some hot thing to keep him occupied while I was away. Easy as pie.
Total Dick.
Sure, he needs to be responsible for making his needs known, for telling me how he's feeling and for how he presents himself to the world. But I need to think about what *I* want too. Do I want to have a brief fling with lots of drama, or do I want to pull my head out of my clit for 5 minutes and built a future? Do I want this to be fun just for me or do I want everyone to have fun? This could mean I have to pull back, I have to give up some things I want to make sure everyone is pretty happy and wanting to do it again and better next time instead of having me ecstatic, until the aftermath where I discover that my fun came at the expense of making others miserable, hurt and angry. Do I want a disposable toy or do I want to build clan, with all the shiny and all of the work that separates the Poly community from the swingers.
How I discovered I was being a dick was twofold. One, I have two fabulous men that are smart and I trust tell me they both observed the same patterns in separate conversations. One person says you do a thing, you can argue the point. Two people tell you, it's not them, it's you (DAMNIT!) Second, I got a taste of my own medicine. At an event the person I was with found something shiny. He wanted to go play and instead of asking questions and thinking about what I really needed, I gave the answer I thought I should to make him happy and answered from a place I wasn't but thought I should have been. I consented, but not enthusiastically. So, when it came time to do the thing, the things I'd not stopped to consider became big, red, candy-like buttons and I wound up walking alone, in the dark, through the woods looking for something to do. This story does have a happy ending because my people are awesome and this person in particular reads me like a book no matter how much I try to hide it.
But the point is, if the extroverted bubbly one who knows half the freaks there and can get into adventures and have fun during *JURY DUTY* was feeling alone and abandoned and emo and not awesome, how much more for the others before me that I'd treated thus? Clearly, they are better men than I because I'd have had a screaming pouty fit if I'd done that to me.
Trust me, if you don't stop and ask other people if you are being a dick, you are. If you think everything is fine and others are just being too sensitive or needy or demanding or dumb, you are the dick. Poly is about finding the Pareto Optimal point where everyone wins. If you're not actively seeking that level, actively engaging in looking at what other people need and checking to make sure you're reading correctly and getting the whole message, and if you're not doing these things with a gentle, open heart, ready to hear that you may not be perfect and the people you love need you without throwing a fit or getting defensive, you are the one everyone is walking on eggshells around. If it seems too easy, that's because others are picking up your slack. Don't be "that guy."
Don't be a dick.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Teamwork
There are lots of great things about having multiple partners at the same time. You get to do things with one that the other thinks are silly, or at least not their cup of tea, stretch different parts of yourself that meet in different areas, when one is busy the other can play, and having multiple people being nice to you makes you more nice to them.
There are also some good parts that are less fun. Like when they gang up on picking on you and suddenly it's like having two older brothers in the house and you ahve to remember that you did this deliberately. Or when you've been having conversations with your primary for years and years in a certain way and you do this thing that you don't think you do but you totally do and when he gets to talking to the other man and they're all "oh, ya, she totally does that" and I'm all "crap, maybe I do."
Those are great learning moments.
Between the two of them, I learned that when I have a "discussion" or when I sense that someone is upset...wait. back up.
I'm very uncomfortable when people are angry around me. It doesn't even have to be *at* me, just in my vicinity and I start to go all kinds of alarm and warming up systems and checking missile bay doors and escape routes. This comes from growing up in a house where "mad" was a step away from physical or verbal abuse. And as I think back on it now, there was a specific marker that heralded the crossover. My mum would get angry, and common to her particular brand of broken, would get what some in the kids-with-borderline-parents community call "hunter eyes" or my favorite, "shark eyes" Her pupils would get really big and she would start to loose control. Apparently it's not uncommon to experience a blackout during that period, so she'd not remember all the terror of her rage. Must be nice. (maybe that's why people's eyes on "substances" that dilate pupils freak me out a bit...hmmm)
Anyway, another component of this exchange was the fact that at the best of times, borderlines don't have the strongest grasp on objective reality. They see the world in black and white, there is no middle, no "good person who occasionally makes mistakes" and so in order to survive her head monkeys she had to rewrite history to make her totally right and someone else totally wrong. So when we started to sense the Change, the only real recourse we had was to present a counter-story that pleaded to her rapidly retreating rational brain presenting the facts as you understood them. See, part of this was the assumption of intent. She assumed you did things for a certain reason, because that's the way it makes sense in her head and no one would do anything for reasons she didn't understand, right? So you had to lay out your intent as rapidly and convincingly as possible to try to bed the beast down again, but not go too far, because you couldn't say that she was wrong, only that you weren't deliberately attacking either.
Naturally, some details got smoothed over in the process, because when you're arguing with a mind-shifting crazy person who doesn't believe in gray area, to admit any fault was to admit total fault, and thus alleviate any guilt over what came next because obviously I deserved it, right?
So, when I'm in any sort of conversation with someone who has a point that implies i fucked up, the instinct is not so much to say "no I didn't" but to present the case of my intentions and background and reasoning that makes it perhaps a wrong thing but a forgivably wrong thing so can we review what to do next time and move along before this gets bad and you loose track and I....oh, wait.
I'm not under attack any more. There was a very good reason this very important and useful strategy developed, pretty much as soon as I could talk. Problem is, with people who are sane, or at least crazy in different and fun ways, this can be very invalidating and frustrating because it feels like they're not being heard. Which they're not. Because I've left the room and am running a completely different program.
So when the boys start to compare notes, or rather when I have "discussions" with both on the same day and tell the one about the other and the one is like "ya, you totally do that. I thought it was just me and I'm not as articulate or organized with my thoughts so I start to doubt myself and assume you're right." Soo, ya. When two people you love and respect and want to have good relationships with are telling you the same thing, perhaps it's time to listen.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: It's hard for me to get out of that pattern once it starts. I have a feeling it would be easier to keep me out of it from the beginning. So saying something like "so, I have this thing that I need to say, and I need you to hear me, so please don't interrupt until I'm done and just listen." might be helpful. And if I seem to be getting deflective, asking something like "so can you reflect back to me what you think i just said" could keep me in, you know, the conversation I'm actually having.
And it doesn't have to be all flowery and clinical. "I need to say something and I want you not ot get your knickers in a twist and actually listen to what I'm' saying instead of jumping in to redefine things because I love you but you're working my tits and we need to talk"
"art of war, chapter one, shoosh and get all the information first, eh?"
B: so basically what you're saying is that you were trained from a young age to become a master of the ninja way of deflecting and invalidation. And P and I get to try to retrain you bit by bit. Because the skills that you learned over the course of a decade on a Tibetan mountain top are inadvertently getting in the way of us feeling like you understand and care about what we're feeling, and you want to fix this so we can all be in a better place together.
That about sum it up?
me: two and a half decades, and yes. except instead of trying to beat the ninja head on, which is unlikely, because I'm very vary good at this game, because there were times when my life literally depended on it, and I like being alive, I'm trying to show you and P how to "sweep the leg" and come at me from the side. Because I'm pretty sure I've got that whole "being and staying alive" part down, and now what I'd like to be is happy. And to make the people I care about happy.
B: ok, well then tell P that another sweep technique is that when you start talking a lot and going on and on and explaining yourself and your perception of things.... that's a sure sign that you are in the zone, and he/I/we need to interrupt you and hit your reset button."
See? They're helpers. And that is why my life is awesome.
There are also some good parts that are less fun. Like when they gang up on picking on you and suddenly it's like having two older brothers in the house and you ahve to remember that you did this deliberately. Or when you've been having conversations with your primary for years and years in a certain way and you do this thing that you don't think you do but you totally do and when he gets to talking to the other man and they're all "oh, ya, she totally does that" and I'm all "crap, maybe I do."
Those are great learning moments.
Between the two of them, I learned that when I have a "discussion" or when I sense that someone is upset...wait. back up.
I'm very uncomfortable when people are angry around me. It doesn't even have to be *at* me, just in my vicinity and I start to go all kinds of alarm and warming up systems and checking missile bay doors and escape routes. This comes from growing up in a house where "mad" was a step away from physical or verbal abuse. And as I think back on it now, there was a specific marker that heralded the crossover. My mum would get angry, and common to her particular brand of broken, would get what some in the kids-with-borderline-parents community call "hunter eyes" or my favorite, "shark eyes" Her pupils would get really big and she would start to loose control. Apparently it's not uncommon to experience a blackout during that period, so she'd not remember all the terror of her rage. Must be nice. (maybe that's why people's eyes on "substances" that dilate pupils freak me out a bit...hmmm)
Anyway, another component of this exchange was the fact that at the best of times, borderlines don't have the strongest grasp on objective reality. They see the world in black and white, there is no middle, no "good person who occasionally makes mistakes" and so in order to survive her head monkeys she had to rewrite history to make her totally right and someone else totally wrong. So when we started to sense the Change, the only real recourse we had was to present a counter-story that pleaded to her rapidly retreating rational brain presenting the facts as you understood them. See, part of this was the assumption of intent. She assumed you did things for a certain reason, because that's the way it makes sense in her head and no one would do anything for reasons she didn't understand, right? So you had to lay out your intent as rapidly and convincingly as possible to try to bed the beast down again, but not go too far, because you couldn't say that she was wrong, only that you weren't deliberately attacking either.
Naturally, some details got smoothed over in the process, because when you're arguing with a mind-shifting crazy person who doesn't believe in gray area, to admit any fault was to admit total fault, and thus alleviate any guilt over what came next because obviously I deserved it, right?
So, when I'm in any sort of conversation with someone who has a point that implies i fucked up, the instinct is not so much to say "no I didn't" but to present the case of my intentions and background and reasoning that makes it perhaps a wrong thing but a forgivably wrong thing so can we review what to do next time and move along before this gets bad and you loose track and I....oh, wait.
I'm not under attack any more. There was a very good reason this very important and useful strategy developed, pretty much as soon as I could talk. Problem is, with people who are sane, or at least crazy in different and fun ways, this can be very invalidating and frustrating because it feels like they're not being heard. Which they're not. Because I've left the room and am running a completely different program.
So when the boys start to compare notes, or rather when I have "discussions" with both on the same day and tell the one about the other and the one is like "ya, you totally do that. I thought it was just me and I'm not as articulate or organized with my thoughts so I start to doubt myself and assume you're right." Soo, ya. When two people you love and respect and want to have good relationships with are telling you the same thing, perhaps it's time to listen.
The conversation went something like this:
Me: It's hard for me to get out of that pattern once it starts. I have a feeling it would be easier to keep me out of it from the beginning. So saying something like "so, I have this thing that I need to say, and I need you to hear me, so please don't interrupt until I'm done and just listen." might be helpful. And if I seem to be getting deflective, asking something like "so can you reflect back to me what you think i just said" could keep me in, you know, the conversation I'm actually having.
And it doesn't have to be all flowery and clinical. "I need to say something and I want you not ot get your knickers in a twist and actually listen to what I'm' saying instead of jumping in to redefine things because I love you but you're working my tits and we need to talk"
"art of war, chapter one, shoosh and get all the information first, eh?"
B: so basically what you're saying is that you were trained from a young age to become a master of the ninja way of deflecting and invalidation. And P and I get to try to retrain you bit by bit. Because the skills that you learned over the course of a decade on a Tibetan mountain top are inadvertently getting in the way of us feeling like you understand and care about what we're feeling, and you want to fix this so we can all be in a better place together.
That about sum it up?
me: two and a half decades, and yes. except instead of trying to beat the ninja head on, which is unlikely, because I'm very vary good at this game, because there were times when my life literally depended on it, and I like being alive, I'm trying to show you and P how to "sweep the leg" and come at me from the side. Because I'm pretty sure I've got that whole "being and staying alive" part down, and now what I'd like to be is happy. And to make the people I care about happy.
B: ok, well then tell P that another sweep technique is that when you start talking a lot and going on and on and explaining yourself and your perception of things.... that's a sure sign that you are in the zone, and he/I/we need to interrupt you and hit your reset button."
See? They're helpers. And that is why my life is awesome.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
I have a habit of going quiet when things are going well. I think this has two parts. One stems from growing up and having the calm/storm times seem pretty random. When something was amiss, we tried to survive or solve it. This could include subtle storms when we were supposed to use our psychology skills to do whatever new thing M learned about that week, or the outright ones where you try to minimize physical damage, but without *looking* like you were trying to, because that would only anger the Tempest and make it worse.
When things were happy, peaceful, and going well the inclination was to not talk about it, look at it and try not to spook it for as long as possible.
I also hear some people bitching about other people sending out the holiday update letters or being too braggy and "oh look how great my life is" and so I think I was even more worried about being one of "those people."
But really, fuck that noise. I had to read the whole of "Atlas Shrugged" (save most of the radio broadcast, I mean really, I'd already read 800 pages, I got the point) to stop being sorry I was good at math. I've worked a hell of a lot harder to create the life I have now and I'm not sorry about it at all. I've spent years doing really awkward, painful, risky things that meant carving into my soul, asking questions I'd rather have left alone and having some really dreaded conversations with people all so that I could find my center. I've had to take more deep breaths and jump, screw my courage to more sticking places and deliberately make myself uncomfortable more times than I care to think about. By the gods, I've *earned* this happiness.
And I really am. It's not all sunshine and roses, I still fuck up and there is always more work to do. I'm not saying that everything is perfect in a way that means I'm all done now, but I've got a good system and a good set of people in my life who are interested in doing better. And that's really what it's all about.
My relationship with my husband is going swimmingly. We have a few things to do but I finally feel like we're on solid ground and have the tool kit built up to handle whatever comes next with grace and humor. He's started getting a little goofy again and seems more comfortable around others and that really warms my heart.
My other man is exactly perfect for me, the best con swag ever. We seem to be on the same page about so much, especially the pages about finding stuff out and wanting the other one to be better. I've spent so much of the last few months shoring others up that I'd forgotten what the return was. I've had to relearn how to trust him not just with the ability to handle what comes up, but with the possibility that he'll even see it coming and manage it before it becomes a thing. It's been interesting to learn to relate to someone who speaks my language again in a close family type role. He also seems to have a way about him that bypasses some of my defense grid. This has been useful in that much of that grid is not needed now that I've stopped opening myself up to people who were attacking me. Every time I take a breath and get ready to open a door to him, I turn around and realize he's already on the other side. This has helped me to see just how many doors I've been keeping shut that I really don't need to. It's good to change the air now and again.
I'm happy, and even when there is work it's that satisfying wear-you-out-but-it-feels-good sort instead of the kind that sucks your soul and feels like a ball of molasses you have to push up a mountain.
Things are good. I hope they get better, for everyone involved, especially for those making interesting decisions. But whatever they decide, I've carved my happy home out of the rubble of what came before and I'm not letting go. And I'm not sorry.
When things were happy, peaceful, and going well the inclination was to not talk about it, look at it and try not to spook it for as long as possible.
I also hear some people bitching about other people sending out the holiday update letters or being too braggy and "oh look how great my life is" and so I think I was even more worried about being one of "those people."
But really, fuck that noise. I had to read the whole of "Atlas Shrugged" (save most of the radio broadcast, I mean really, I'd already read 800 pages, I got the point) to stop being sorry I was good at math. I've worked a hell of a lot harder to create the life I have now and I'm not sorry about it at all. I've spent years doing really awkward, painful, risky things that meant carving into my soul, asking questions I'd rather have left alone and having some really dreaded conversations with people all so that I could find my center. I've had to take more deep breaths and jump, screw my courage to more sticking places and deliberately make myself uncomfortable more times than I care to think about. By the gods, I've *earned* this happiness.
And I really am. It's not all sunshine and roses, I still fuck up and there is always more work to do. I'm not saying that everything is perfect in a way that means I'm all done now, but I've got a good system and a good set of people in my life who are interested in doing better. And that's really what it's all about.
My relationship with my husband is going swimmingly. We have a few things to do but I finally feel like we're on solid ground and have the tool kit built up to handle whatever comes next with grace and humor. He's started getting a little goofy again and seems more comfortable around others and that really warms my heart.
My other man is exactly perfect for me, the best con swag ever. We seem to be on the same page about so much, especially the pages about finding stuff out and wanting the other one to be better. I've spent so much of the last few months shoring others up that I'd forgotten what the return was. I've had to relearn how to trust him not just with the ability to handle what comes up, but with the possibility that he'll even see it coming and manage it before it becomes a thing. It's been interesting to learn to relate to someone who speaks my language again in a close family type role. He also seems to have a way about him that bypasses some of my defense grid. This has been useful in that much of that grid is not needed now that I've stopped opening myself up to people who were attacking me. Every time I take a breath and get ready to open a door to him, I turn around and realize he's already on the other side. This has helped me to see just how many doors I've been keeping shut that I really don't need to. It's good to change the air now and again.
I'm happy, and even when there is work it's that satisfying wear-you-out-but-it-feels-good sort instead of the kind that sucks your soul and feels like a ball of molasses you have to push up a mountain.
Things are good. I hope they get better, for everyone involved, especially for those making interesting decisions. But whatever they decide, I've carved my happy home out of the rubble of what came before and I'm not letting go. And I'm not sorry.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I have a confession....
I really enjoy elementary school music presentations. Like, a lot. Not so much I'm going to start crashing random recitals, but if a friend's kid is singing a song and I have to sit through an hour of tortured Beethoven, I dig it.
First, to anyone who thinks the sound is awful, it kind of is. But I have friends who make power noise, and the percussion is *supposed* to sound like a grinder on a garbage can. That's the finished product. These kids are going to get better.
They're also awesome to watch. It's like a slice of the cosmos behind that dim proscenium in the cafeteria. All these different levels of proficiency and attention, harmonics where there really shouldn't be any, the notes of chaos that somehow manage to rough in the theme of each piece, sharps and flats kind of canceling each other out. Hell, sometimes the moose calls of the horn section are even in the same key.
They try and they're proud of what they do. And then when they pause for a moment, say to let the string section do their bit, Entropy! They start out still, and then start to jiggle and vibrate as the order of the conductor that contained them looses its grasp. The jiggling becomes shifting becomes giggling becomes the back row bonking each other with drumsticks and dropping chairs.
The parents are there for torture in the name of love, proud of their offspring and the future. The kids have fun, I'm grinning like an idiot the entire time because it's just magical, thinking of the South Park episode where Cartman yells at Kenny for screwing up the song, when the whole band sounds like they're trying to strangle a violin *with* a cat in heat.
Babies make themselves known, little siblings try to join their big brother/sister on stage, parents are vying for the camera shot. It's a big, fat slice of "look what I made!"
Love. It.
First, to anyone who thinks the sound is awful, it kind of is. But I have friends who make power noise, and the percussion is *supposed* to sound like a grinder on a garbage can. That's the finished product. These kids are going to get better.
They're also awesome to watch. It's like a slice of the cosmos behind that dim proscenium in the cafeteria. All these different levels of proficiency and attention, harmonics where there really shouldn't be any, the notes of chaos that somehow manage to rough in the theme of each piece, sharps and flats kind of canceling each other out. Hell, sometimes the moose calls of the horn section are even in the same key.
They try and they're proud of what they do. And then when they pause for a moment, say to let the string section do their bit, Entropy! They start out still, and then start to jiggle and vibrate as the order of the conductor that contained them looses its grasp. The jiggling becomes shifting becomes giggling becomes the back row bonking each other with drumsticks and dropping chairs.
The parents are there for torture in the name of love, proud of their offspring and the future. The kids have fun, I'm grinning like an idiot the entire time because it's just magical, thinking of the South Park episode where Cartman yells at Kenny for screwing up the song, when the whole band sounds like they're trying to strangle a violin *with* a cat in heat.
Babies make themselves known, little siblings try to join their big brother/sister on stage, parents are vying for the camera shot. It's a big, fat slice of "look what I made!"
Love. It.
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