A year ago today

I woke up early and wasn't allowed to have breakfast. My stomach had to be empty so that when they put me under, unpleasantness wouldn't follow.

I'm sorry we didn't quite connect there, little one. so very much has happened since then. so much that couldn't have if you'd stayed. you dropped in to say hello, and left again, courtesy of general anesthesia and a latex free OR so I wouldn't have to wait again to see when nature would take it's course. You have a friend now to keep you company. When your time is right, I hope you'll come back.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

When you learn there's a baby that looks like a baby in your BFF on Facebook, it's safe to assume that your relationship status has officially changed to "friend."

Also, To Jeremy, Jason, Sushi, Deacon, I miss you.
Melissa and Suzanne, you were just wee babes, I'm sorry I never got to meet you.
Kyle Aaron Huff, I don't have anything left but sorrow for your family. I know that no matter what I feel, their confusion and anger and grief at what you did will always be greater. I pray that they find peace, and that when the next time comes around, you can get what you need with compassion, grace and beauty. I wish that I had met you before you broke, before you decided that there was nothing but pain in the world. I don't know that it would have changed anything. I wish my friends were still alive.

And some days the "fuck you" cake has frosting.

Today I discovered that what was, isn't.

What could be, won't.

What I want, I can't.




For John.

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.
---Henry Scott Holland