Out of the rabbit hole...

Whenever I deliberately show someone new this series of posts, I re-read them to remind myself what all I've been up to. In spite of the idea that by our mid-twenties we've mostly settled down in our development, I can honestly say that the difference in who I remember being three years ago and who I feel like now is almost as much as when I was 20. (I'm 33, for those of you playing along at home.)

When you grow up with crazy, harmful people, you develop a rather specific set of survival and coping strategies. Some of these can be useful later, many of them are not. It took years after cutting off contact with my abuser to create enough safe space to look at things.  It took years beyond that and several whirlwind, swept off the feet, dare I say manic relationships to start breaking some of those inner protective shells open.  Outnumbered, I was presented with incontrovertible trends and was forced to deal with them.  I also learn better by fucking up first. I'm aware of much more of myself, and don't have to try to fix other people so I can watch how I do it and use that technique on me later.

I was throwing myself into things, driven by questions I'd not dared to even ask before. Once asked and answers, the questions seemed to lose their hold on me, and I saw that it was the wanting and wondering that was keeping me attached, not the thing itself. A few of the things I've asked for have come to pass, many  have just been tried or entertained, and I realized it sounded better in my head and I didn't need that after all.  Still, you never know if you don't try.

The hardest thing has been coming to terms with my reproductive system. We finally decided to actually take a break from thinking about it or talking about it until this spring, and then if nothing happens by the time I'm 35, we'll bag the mission.  I'm ok with the idea now. I'm not *happy* about it, but I can talk about it without going moist and dribbly and have started looking for what comes next. To say this was a hard place to get to would be an understatement. There were many months of anxiety, disappointment, anger, depression bordering on suicidal, existential despair, crying on the buses home, fear that I would never find happiness or purpose again, a few self-destructive phases where I could see myself getting farther and farther out of control but couldn't stop because I was trying to crash just for the catharsis of an external disaster (thankfully it never came to that), resignation, grudging acceptance and finally coming up with at least a plan to make another plan.

My husband climbs mountains on the outside to keep things interesting. I feel like I'm on the other side of an internal one. I haven't actually solved anything yet.  I don't have a clear direction for a non-breeding plan, but I have a few leads and I can see myself working with kids again in the future. I can visit the stink-monkeys from the failed daycare and not cry in the car because I miss them and I'm afraid that was my one chance. I can imagine the things I'd like to do without children, and joke that it's not so bad being the only one at a kids birthday party who doesn't look ragged and starved for complex sentences.
Work schedules have changed and though it's taking some adjusting, I have more meaningful time with those close to me and more time to myself to get working on those things that make me feel like I'm moving instead of treading water.
I'm still too close to burnout to give energy to those who take and never seem to get full, but I'm attracting happier, healthier people into my life. I'm trying new things and going places that are uncomfortable and discovering they're not so bad after all (like rock walls).  I'm feeling kindness and affection from unexpected places, and remembering why I do what I do in the first place.
I'm writing again, haltingly, but steadily getting some of the things in my head onto a page. I'm remembering who I am at home. I'm looking back on all the things that were important or emotional or delicate and feel not entirely unlike I do when I look back on my high school writings. I'm not embarrassed, I don't think less of myself for having those experiences, but I'm really glad that Past Me was that way and Present Me is much more comfortable with and conscious of what's going on.

I haven't plotted a destination, but I've found my feet again and I feel a little like dancing.

random navel gazing

I've spent the last few weeks (months) going around in some kind of three dimensional figure-8.  Not quite a spiral, more just up and down winding up in the same places but different. It started out with a low simmer of anxiety over trying to have kids and not being terribly successful with it. We've not quite given up, but have put a lid on things, if I don't manage to get pregnant we're going to pull the plug. It was a bit of a rough ride coming to that decision, and the aftermath has been interesting.

The biggest part about this that I'm having trouble with is figuring out what to do with the rest of my time. At first it was a crush of "this is what I've spent my whole life gearing up for, what do I do now?" But I'm starting to come around on that front. I'm not entirely sure that I'm  being honest about this. Yes, I've been generally heading in that direction but it's possible that this is yet another in a series of excuses about how I'm trying to get ready for some big thing, about to start down a path, but it's really an excuse to not actually *do* anything now.

I felt like I'd lost some central thread, some major project that was going to give meaning to my life and be the thing I did that would be remembered. What was the point of collecting all this information if I wasn't going to pass it on? And then I read Herman Hess's "Siddhartha" after it had been sitting on my Kindle for quite a while. Hess points out that no matter how much you know, even if you've achieved "enlightenment", that knowledge is yours, and it was found by your own experience and you can't really pass that along because the things that lead you to your own understanding are not the things that will lead others to theirs. Mulling this over on the bus yesterday, vacillating between tears because I have no dreams left and admonitions about how this crisis of self is narcissistic wanking, I've circled back around to a few ideas. Yes, it is possible that the never ending journey to find one's essential self is a project born of Berkley trust-fund hippies who have more time than useful work on their hands, that personal empowerment retreats and walking on coals are all one big distraction from the unseemly truth that most people in the world have to actually work for a living, and yes, it's not necessarily fun or fulfilling, but they do it because it needs to get done. there was never some idyllic time when living off the land and being connected to nature was a magical, peaceful time that we need to get back to so we can commune with the spirits. Life has always been hard, nature kills us all the time and there's a huge difference between choosing to grow a victory garden with some chickens and watching your family starve because something went wrong with the crops that year. One is a hobby, albeit a useful one with real economic and ecological impacts, and the other is just another kind of work, great some days, but just that thing you have to do to survive all the rest of the days. whether I'm behind a plough or a keyboard, the net effect of having to spend a portion of my life doing things i don't really want to, but need to anyway is the same.

I have a job, it's not a magical, wish granting job, but it's a good job that I enjoy for the most part, I can do it, I get decent perks and give or take a few dollars, it's as reasonable a position that I'd find anywhere else at this time. I've tried a lot of jobs for many reasons, and no matter how much I loved or hated it, there were days I had fun and days I'd really rather have stayed in bed. After the co-op closed down, I'd pretty much exhausted the list of things I wanted to do without additional schooling, and while I'm in a bit of a holding pattern, I'm not sure that's such a bad place to be. To start, I *have* a job, which is no mean trick these days. I also have no idea what else I'd rather be doing right now. I could come up with another long-term plan, but I'm not unconvinced that wouldn't just be another stalling tactic to avoid making the most of what I have right now in front of me.

The thing I'm afraid of is becoming what i see so much around me, people who go to work to get money to go to the same bars and clubs on the weekends to get drunk and have the same embarrassing adventures, making the same mistakes and lamenting them loudly and publicly year after year. I'm afraid that if I settle into the present, I'll get stuck in a rut and keep doing the same things over and over and years will pass without anything real happening.  I'm starting to realize that perhaps there's a middle ground between "Office Space - Goth Edition" and a grand, unifying life that changes the world. I'm thinking, a job that doesn't suck, and maybe some projects that give me goals and things to do and make me happy.

I can't help but notice that when people have come to me for advice, I give the best I've got and maybe some subtle shift happens but mostly they keep doing things the way they were anyway. We all have to make a living and eat and wash clothes and bathe and get places, the differences between your life and mine are primarily in the subtle shifts. You have a different car, eat different foods, but most of you still go to a store to get it. maybe I'm focusing too much on validating my existence with outside measures, and the point of it all is really to do the things that make me happy and interested, so that I am happy and interested, and whatever effect that does or doesn't have on the outside world is beside the point. I'm not talking about becoming a sociopath, pursuing my happiness at the expense of others', but of not worrying about whether i make an impact on the world, and instead turning to cultivate the things inside me that might be useful for that. And if they're not, at least I was doing something that was meaningful to me.

I'm almost out of polite: the state of my pregnancies or lack thereof.

When people ask  in conversation how things are going in the "baby making department", I try to say something polite like "oh, still practicing" that reflects the way I'm pretty sure you meant it. I'm pretty sure the reason you're asking is that it's been a while since I've seen you and you remember I'd mentioned something about it before and it's a small talk subject you can think of.

Stop it.

The reason it seems like everyone knows I'm trying is because I've been trying for *five years*. That's a lot of time for conversations. I've had *four miscarriages* in those five years. If I see you and I'm not giddy with excitement and don't mention within my first three sentences the exact state of my uterus, it's because either
1. Nothing is happening. Again.
2. I am pregnant, but it's still so early that I'm terrified I'm going to miscarry again and could we please talk about something else because the "oh, hey, nevermind about the baby" conversations are getting kind of awkward.

But it's probably the first one.

The honest answer is that I'm finally starting to realize that I may never have a child. The honest answer is that I spend a vast portion of my energy in a given day not crying, that if I stop for three whole minutes and think about how my life is falling apart, I will begin wet, snotty bawling. I am not exaggerating, any given minute of any day, I am literally less than five minutes away from total meltdown. I don't look like it because I'm really good at putting up a good front, and honestly if you don't know when not to talk to someone about the personal details of their reproductive lives, you're even less likely to know how to deal with me losing my shit.

I talk about other peoples' babies because I work with them all day. I'm happy to talk to you about your baby. I'm happy to talk to you about your future babies, but if I have to excuse myself for a few minutes, do me a favor and just pretend that my eyes aren't more red than when I left and carry on. If I want to talk about it, I'll start the conversation.

If I want to talk about how my entire life I've known that I would have kids, I will. I didn't just wake up one day and think it would be neat to get pregnant.  For the last 15 years, every decision I've made has revolved around making myself a better person so that when I have my passel of offspring, I'm up to the task of raising conscientious, compassionate, creative, rational, reasonable, joyful humans. It's why I was a massage therapist for a decade. It's why I studied what I did in college. The careers that I've started, or haven't, the places I've gone or not, all of the forks in the road I've chosen because they would make me the kind of person I wanted to be for my kids. It's why my entire life is the way it is now.

And that may all be for nothing. It may well be that I've spent the last 15 years training for a mission that will never happen. There are a few steps more I'm willing to take, but not many. Clomid is my endpoint. That's the last thing I will try, and if that doesn't work, I'm done.
No, we're not planning to adopt. I don't have tens of thousands of dollars lying about, I've studied too much of the brain and what happens when to know that I'm not the right fit for adopting a ward of the state and I'm  not going to put myself in a position where I finally get an adoption through, bond with the child and then have some junkie mom find Jesus and decide she wants her kids back. Mine or none, the end.
No, I don't know what I'm going to do with the rest of my life. I have no interest in going into public education or opening a preschool. I work where I do because these are the babies of my tribe and we have similar philosophies on how children should be reared and respected. I work where I do because I'm tired of being a generic button masher and I wanted to do something closer to what I really want.

 I'll figure something out, but I don't want to talk about it right now. I can barely say any of this out loud, with my mouth, when I'm alone. I certainly don't want to chit-chat about it with someone else. Please, for the love of fuck, stop asking.

Beat the Lizard

I find myself driving out of my way to go down familiar roads lately. Something in me needs to reconnect to my past, to feel myself in the world that was part of me outside my current work/home/VA circle. Lately I've been aware that while I've done a lot of head work over the last few years, it's only half of my experience getting attention. When I was constantly stressed from living in survival mode, I felt like i was living more in my body than I do now. Granted, most of that was in the form of discomfort or pain, but my inside and outside experiences at least matched.

Part of this disconnect was a deliberate choice, for a while at least. when i started school i knew that there were going to be classes and thought processes I'd need to engage that would be inconsistent with the experiences i had and things i knew in my bones to be true but couldn't scientifically prove. So, I made a choice to set aside the parts of me that weren't logical and rational and set to the books. Thing is, I've been kind of stuck trying to get back to it. I've always been a kinisthetic person, and my body was the one way I could relate to others in a non-rational fashion. Even in doing body work, I've been told facilitate energy work well, but I never really did it with intention. i would sort of just move my brain out of the way and do what seemed like it needed to be done and that worked. At the same time, I remember a time when I could direct energy with intention and be more deliberate in how I relate to the world and others.

As i try to get back to my roots, I'm finding that while a lot of the clearing has been done on an intellectual and emotional level with my past, and the effects thereof, it's not in my bones. It's exactly like any other emotional experience when you *know* better, but still feel your feelings. The Monkey brain doesn't care that you *know*. The Monkey must be felt, willingly or not. it works out well to have done it this way, I've managed to clear out a lot of deadwood, to see patterns and consequences that weren't obvious before, to make changes and form new patterns based on the way I want things to be.

Like the Monkey, the Lizard also has a place. While I have also done work and reclaimed much of the emotional experience I shut out either in defence or deliberately, the visceral, body state experiences I've largely ignored. I honestly didn't give them much thought, and as I wasn't ready to before now it's just as well. I can see where trying to do PTSD clearing all at once would get messy and overwhelming really quickly. These are big files, it's best to manage them in small bites. I'm working with someone these days who is helping me get in touch with the Lizard brain. By creating intense experiences that recreate some of the states of fear, panic and pain I've felt before, but in a controlled and consensual context, I'm slowly reclaiming my pieces. I'm realizing how much power I'd given up to fear and anxiety, how much potential had become tainted by misuse, how much of what's mine I've left in the hands of the one who was supposed to protect me and was instead the source of my terror.

One key difference this time, in addition to being able to stop, is that I can finally fight back. It's just now hitting me how much having to take abuse without complaint or trying to protect myself made me angry and broken. The few times I stood up to my mother when she was in a black-out rage were to step between her and my siblings, because I didn't trust her not to do more damage than even she meant to. I didn't fight to protect me. The battle over my will was already lost, the flesh was just collateral damage.

When you hear "I beat you because I love you" all through childhood, is it any surprise it makes things a little weird later on?

Vitriolic Fear Based Rant

For the first time in a long time, I'm sitting in an empty, quiet house in the evening with no expectation of company. Mr. H has left for a three day hiking trip into the mountains, and I have no one to "keep it together" for. I'm surprised at how close I am to tears. I started work again, and after months of waiting for a short sale everything happened this week and we move in on the 30th. That's roughly two weeks to pack the house, clean one house, move, and start cleaning another house. I think i could handle all of that just fine, except...

I'm in the Schrodinger's Box phase of my cycle, also known as the luteal phase. For those of you playing along at home, that's the two weeks between ovulation and menstruation when you could be pregnant but don't know yet. This. is. tearing. me. apart.

This is the first cycle after my first period after my miscarriage. I've been pregnant three times. All of them died. My hands are shaking because I'm terrified. If I'm not pregnant, I'm worried it will be another Frigg-knows-how-long before I do. If I am pregnant, I'm terrified this will end like all the others.

I don't generally let on how much this bothers me. People feel bad and want to help but there's nothing they can do and all their suggestions sound like "the reason you fail at this is because..."

That drove me fucking mad the last time. I had some very well meaning but clueless people try to "help". My yoga teacher kept offering to teach me the "fertility series" which is a set that needs ot be done regularly, like clockwork. I told her that I would really mean to, but I just don't start new habits very easily and it wasn't the appropriate solution for me, but thank you. She offered over, and over, and over again until I asked her to please stop. She didn't know what else to do so she had one thing and used it every time until it felt like judgement. There's no scientific evidence this series helps, she doesn't know what's going on with my system, there's no guarantee this would help and it would just be one more thing that didn't work.

Also, I'm a fucking adult and fully capable of asking for help when I need it and knowing what's appropriate for me and not, and so stop telling me what I should do. This was the same person who, after my last miscarriage before I'd even stopped bleeding, was excitedly showing off her new hand-me-down baby clothes for her pregnancy. "isn't this cute? look at this one. Aww, this is adorable!" As I stand there and smile with dead baby dripping into my maxi pad. While I'm happy for you in the long run and this is a joyous occasion and whatnot would it fucking kill people to think for a second and maybe guess that this isn't appropriate?

I see people treating their kids like shit and i want to scream. I can't even look at "cute kid" photo collections anymore. Every time there's a baby on the bus I have to be careful how much i smile at them because I'm sure I'd start to lose it and freak them out.

I'm not "baby crazy", i'm not responding to my biological clock ticking and suddenly oh, hey, I want to do this now. This is *all* I've wanted to do. All of the work I've done on sorting my shit out, all of my education, all of my life to this point has been living a full and educational life so that I can be the best parent I can and make contentiousness, puzzle-solving, curious, accountable people. I want to get my house set up with kids, and once the last one's able to totter and ask for things, I want to take in foster kids like we had when we were little. I want to create a safe space for everyone and shelter at least a few from the fucked up system.

The idea that I might not be able to birth children is too big for me to even contemplate right now. Save your platitudes, I know "there's always adoption". I'm not fucking stupid. And by the way, don't *ever* say that to someone. All it shows is how grossly you've missed the point, how disconnected you are from what's going on and what an asshole you are. Someone in this situation doesn't need advice I can pick up from bus adverts. If that's all you have to say, shut the fuck up. People in rough emotional situations need you to *be there with them*, they don't need fucking advice and pithy statements. Just shut up, give them a hug if they want it and sit next to them quietly if you want to help. Don't expect anything, don't try to engage conversation that's not forthcoming. The person you are trying to help should not feel like they have to entertain you or make you feel comfortable. This goes double for funerals. Learn how to be a person, not a sound bite.

I'm worried I'll get more disconnected with each failed pregnancy. I'm worried that my failure to get really excited is what causes them to fail, like maybe i'm not channeling the energy right or something. the last one had a strong, clear heartbeat. two days later it was in my hands. I don't know what to do but go forward. I pretend that everything's fine because people don't know how to react so they wind up costing me more energy to reassure them or politely grin through their "help" than it's worth. I feel like a river of lava running under a thin shell of rock and I don't know if that rock is going to thicken and cool or break through. My courage is screwed to the sticking place, but the sticking place is starting to crack.

Letter to management.

I’ve observed a few times now that S. has made a point to highlight the dissolution of the entire team or firing of individuals if we fail to produce good quality work. This needs to stop. It didn’t work with the old team and this team is scarcely two months old and is already showing signs of breaking down. One of the reasons the last team did wind so far off was the building fatalistic attitude that caused a “we’re already dead in the water, why do we care” mentality and the results of that were not pretty.

Threats work when you need oars pulled or rocks smashed. We work at a business. It is a given in the business world that liabilities get cut. Unless this is a done deal and you’re announcing severance, this threat is not what judges get paid to deal with, and it is *exactly* the wrong thing to do to get the results you want. Reminding people on a regular basis that their jobs are at stake is not just hurting their feelings, it is threatening their resources, their money, their food, their house. The same parts of our brain that respond to a bear attack also respond to social danger, including the loss of a job.

When in danger, blood flows away from the cortex, the thinking part of the brain and flows to the amygdala and brain stem, triggering emotional response and automatic functions, respectively. When a person is threatened the “fight or flight” response is activated. Blood flows away from digestive organs and higher brain function to the heart, lungs and limbs, adrenaline is released and the body gets ready for an intensely physical reaction. In the modern business world, this is inappropriate, so people sit there with these stress and anger chemicals running through them, indigestion and they start to take it out on each other. The unconscious part of the brain says “I feel a threat, you’re in the room, you must be it.” This starts the bickering, the refusing to see other perspectives, territorial behavior and attempts at forceful group dominance. This has happened before and it is happening now.

People *cannot* be creative and cooperative the way you need us to be when they are anxious about survival in this context. We are hardwired like this so the species didn’t sit around pondering the nature of the universe when there were wolves at the door. We are a species that prizes immediate self-preservation over Descartes. If you want rational, reasonable people who can cooperate, they need to feel it is safe to be wrong, to listen to what others have to say and to find solutions that solve the problems of judging, not the problems of ego or survival. I cannot do my job well if the people with whom I am supposed to hold intelligent discourse are terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. The only worse way to “motivate” the team would be to threaten physical harm. People respond to danger with physical action, verbally defending their territory at all costs or by shutting down and backing out. None of these is useful to (the company).

People respond creatively and constructively to confident leadership, confidence in the validity of their contribution to the team and a neutral-to-safe workplace.

Sincerely,

Delta Hranek

Dead babies aren't much fun.

Two chemical pregnancies, two miscarriages. Each one gets a little farther in the process, this last one had a strong heartbeat, 150 bpm three days before I cramped up badly and passed a little foetus. We went the emergency room, again, because the books and the internets tell you to go to the ER if you experience XYZ. I think I'm done with that now. My husband is a nurse, I'm no simpleton, I'm not going to the ER unless it's an emergency anymore. They were condescending, probably because they see that sort of thing all the time. A nurse came in to tell us she was covering for another nurse on her break, she was the first person we'd spoken to.

The Doc kept saying things like "so you think you've had a miscarriage" "so you passed a clot?" No, I don't think I had a miscarriage, I did have one. My uterus went "squeeze" and my nerves went "ow" and the in-tact, multi-colored and textured capsule of dead baby went "splot" in my underpants. I held it for a while, showed it to my husband (the nurse) we consulted his maternity nursing text book, the one the nurse who hasn't bothered to check in yet also read, and now we're here because it's procedure. The reason I'm not freaking out or a big mess is that I don't tend to have big emotional reactions in front of people I don't know, and the bigger something is, the less you'll know about it because I play the important cards closer to the breast. So fuck you, I'm here because I'm supposed to be even though I don't want to be and really don't need to be. You have a problem with that? Take it up with the other doctors who write this shit.

I said that on the inside, later. At the time I was too tired and getting kind of pissed that clever coherent rants were hard to come by. The next day I went to my already scheduled primary care appt., originally to check my thyroid (turns out it's fine, pregnancy just makes it do more) and for the first time since I got pregnant I had a health care person in front of me who wasn't insulting or a noob. The midwife clinic I went to had students doing most of the hands on stuff, two weeks later my arms are *still* bruised where they tried to draw blood. We took another reading with a frightfully efficient phlebotamist whom I complimented on the best draw I'd had in weeks.

Went home, cramped some more, passed the placenta, put it in the freezer next to the baby while I rested enough to build a boat out of foil and plaster so Peter and I could have a viking funeral. The next day or the one after, we took lots of cedar sticks and made a pyre on the boat, then put the boat into this vessle with some water in the backyard. A few rose petals and salvia flowers on the grass made it pretty and we sent the little one along into the smoke and air.

I laid low for a while because the attention was a little overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like I'm supposed to have the reaction people expect and it's always a little awkward when I don't. Ya, I'm bummed that didn't work out, but I'd suspected something for a while. Even the heartbeat didn't convince me that the spotting was completely innocent. So when someone was like "oh my god I'm so sorry, how sad for you" it was like "well, yes, that sucked but I'm pretty over it now. I still have moments where I wish it would have worked out, but these things all happen for a reason, it'll work when it's time, in the meantime I've got stuff to do"

It was one of the few moments that I have ever actually hated my body. I don't care if my ass is big, I can do something about that if I really wanted to. But this whole "not supporting life" thing is starting to grate. I'll give it one more try before we go in and start testing for non-obvious reasons, as everything seems to look fine inside and out. I'm better now, I don't have the constitution for a serious grudge, I get that things weren't right, that when the guys upstairs get their acts in order and someone's ready to make a go of it, it'll match up.

The hardest part has been remembering that I have to heal at the speed of chemistry. That just because I'm rationally ok with things, the hormones still have to sort themselves out and find their level again. Just as I was starting to get some of my energy back I was hit with a wave of depression that was more annoying than anything else. I wasn't sad, I was depressed, the muting and absence of sensation and feeling. I had no motivation and didn't care about it. It took a while for that to pass and it was an interesting reminder that my body will do things at its own pace and it doesn't really care what I have to do today.

I've never really wallowed in feeling down, I don't really get people who do. I start thinking about the things I can do now that the timetable has been reset and it's not all bad. There were a few things I was hoping to get to before I got pregnant and now I've got another month at least before we start trying again. I may be able to lift boxes when we move, I won't have a fresh infant on my hip while feeding pros at NWC next year (though I may be a hippo), and I don't have to cut my MSFT contract short yet. I'll also be able to go to Critical Massive and not worry about people using my cooler or making some of the adjustments that go along with camping for a week while pregnant.

Yes, I find silver linings if i have to hunt them down and nail them on. Finding good in bad and not living in yesterday is how we survived growing up. I'm not entirely convinced it's not still a useful coping mechanism, especially when I'm taking time to honor and acknowledge the bad and then move on. "Nope that didn't happen" has issues. "Yup, that happened and it sucked, what's next?" seems fine to me. Though it does still smart when my other pg friend shows off her baby clothes that are so adorable. I'm only human.

Sometimes, I miss the people in my head.

People who run in philosophic circles sometimes make a big deal out of the question of whether we actually _know_ anything in the world beyond our own perception of it. People you know? Places you're familiar with? They're all just constructs in your mind, even your senses aren't reliable. After a fashion, they're right. It's important not to go too far down this rabbit hole or you may wind up spending years in coffee shops waxing intellectual about the futility of it all until someone kicks you out of your apartment and you realize you should get a job. At some point in your early 20s you should come to the conclusion that whether you're a person or a butterfly dreaming you're a person or a construct in the Matrix, whatever reality may actually be the one you're in requires food and shelter.

Still, it's not entirely a bad idea. We never really know another person, partly because they're so complex. To really know them you'd have to have access to every moment in their lives, first person data on how that affected them and then keep track of every moment of the present as well, including your experiences and how you're affecting them and that just can't be done. We see what people show us. Sometimes we can nudge in around the edges, but that's still pretty much seeing what they show us albeit unintentionally. It's kind of like when someone's pants are unzipped or have tucked their skirt into their underwear.

Every now and again, I'll see something that reminds me of someone I was once fond of. Train tracks are what are doing it for me now, especially the set that Amtrak uses. I think I miss the person I used to ride them to see, but really I miss the version in my head. I miss who he was at the very beginning when everything was promises and potential and neither of us knew where we fit so it could have been anywhere. Anywhere is a really exciting prospect, especially when you've got some ideas and some things you're looking for and they've read the brochure and the *seemed* like they were on board. Sometimes they even are, since the brochure is all they've got to go on and the picture in their head seems just as exciting as the picture in your head so Hell Yes, let's do this thing! It's called New Relationship Energy and it's Nature's way of getting us to breed before we come to our senses. Clever bitch.

Because then you start trying things out and no matter how hard you try it becomes apparent that the picture in your head and the picture in theirs isn't quite the same. Words and ideas get translated differently, your dictionaries aren't the same and the shine begins to show spots of tarnish. Sometimes there's enough solid ground to form a lasting relationship. Sometimes the people you are when you've come to your senses get along pretty well and you figure out where you fit and things are peachy. Sometimes you realize that you didn't really know the person at all and who you are together when you're not trying to impress each other just isn't working out. At times like those I feel like I've got two different people inside my head, the person I wanted them to be and the person they turned out to be. I miss the person I wanted him to be, the person he tried to be but couldn't. I miss the feeling I had when I still had complete faith in his brochure, in his promised potential.

But alas, it turns out all people are people. It turns out that everyone has somewhere they need to go, some things they need to do and a way they need to do it that makes sense for them, and often times those brief mirages of potential were more to tell us about ourselves than someone else. Assuming you're playing fairly they're getting something out of it too, and if you're not playing fairly and they don't tell you to fuck off...well, both of you have issues and I'm not interested in getting in the middle of them.

I know we can't go back, I know we have to learn and move on and have new experiences and make room for the future. I'm not even entirely sure what it is I miss. Maybe it's just a feeling in myself that focused on you but didn't originate there. I wonder if I can create it again, but this time without needing you. I wonder if that was just practice, like training wheels to show me it could be done and what it feels like so i can find that space in myself again and meditate there, find the power in it and figure out where to fit it in the rest of my life. Now that I think about it, there's really no reason not to be as excited and romantically curious about my own future as I was about a shared one.

Teachers sometimes come in the strangest ways....

My Husband is an Honorable Man

Something has been bugging me of late. It's always kind of bugged me, but it seems I'm either picking up on it more now or I'm hanging around more married people so it comes up more.

When two (or more) adult live in close proximity for any amount of time, they are going to get on each other's nerves from time to time. It's unavoidable, no matter how well you match up with someone, there will be the odd corner or two that is not complimentarily shaped and lo! friction. Sometimes you'll bitch to your friends about how your partner is doing this thing that drives you bonkers, and that's fine, so long as certain guidelines are followed. Generally I try to have those venting conversations 1-1 in privacy with someone who understands that I'm frustrated and this isn't to be repeated or taken as a measure of my partner's quality. We're crazy monkeys, stuff happens.

The bit that's been driving me crazy of late is when people talk down to or about their partners in public, or private mixed company. This goes from the little old lady at the fruitstand who chides "oh men, they can't do anything by themselves" to the "casual" comments at social gatherings about how the husband used to be messy when he was a batchelor, how he doesn't earn the lion's share of the income, how sometimes it feels like he's one of the kids one has to deal with. I try to be polite and either dodge the premise of the question or, as in the case with the fruitstand lady say something neutral so we can GTFO, but this is my blog, and it's time to say this.

Fuck.

That.

Shit.

Are you kidding me? Look, I understand the frustrations that can build up in any relationship and the tendency to want to "get a bit of your own back" and sometimes it feels like the only way you can do that is to be passive aggressive in public by showing the world what a doof your husband is and how great his life is now that you're in it but seriously, shut the fuck up. It makes you look like a complete ass. If your partner talked that way about you, you'd tear him a new one and if you were super polite you'd wait until you were in private to do it. Otherwise you'd have a fit right there and make everyone around you as uncomfortable as you are for the sake of your emotional outburst.

The next time you feel the urge to say something negative about your partner in public, bite your tongue and think about this: he puts up with your shit. All of your crazy, all of your demands, all of your insistence on changing the way he sees the world, the way he talks to you, the way he lives in his own home, the way he spends his time and how he shows you he loves you are things you've influenced and he swallows all of it because he's crazy about you. If you feel frustrated that he's not meeting some need, ask yourself, "have I ever actually *said* this to him out loud? Do I just assume that because he loves me he'll know what I mean to say?"

If the answer is Yes, you have some work to do. Expecting someone else to interpret your clues because you don't feel comfortable saying what you mean out loud is total bullshit. You're telling that person that your needs to not feel a little awkward are so important that they need to run their own lives, and spend extra attention on figuring out what you want. And you can do that, but the odds they'll get it right are slim, and all the energy they spend trying to figure out your cryptic clues could be spent on the two of you being happy together.

And don't think that just because you've made your needs clearly and plainly known means you're off the hook. You're not on a goddamn pedestal, he doesn't exist to serve you in whatever way you think is appropriate at any given time. He's a person, he has needs too. When is the last time you asked him what he needs, what he feels, what he thinks could be going better.

"Oh, men don't talk about their feelings"

Bullshit. They may not wax poetic and go on about it for hours, they may not chatter on as a form of bonding, but any man who's even remotely self aware knows when you piss him off, when you're being an unbearable ass and has an idea or two of things he'd like to change. If he says "fine" it's because you haven't created a space where he feels like he can actually talk and be heard without being shut down or criticized. If you have a knee jerk reaction to something he says, assume he means something else, have ever accused him of an off "tone"...those are in your head. Any meaning you put on someone else's words beyond what they say is your own internal dialog. Those are *your* emotional reactions to things you * perceive* and you, as an adult, are responsible for checking your emotional response, taking a break if you need one, until you can address the content of the conversation for what it is and not what your projections are.

If something in your relationship isn't working, it's 50% your fault. You can work on it together, you can explore the things you both need to do to change how you approach something. Sometimes it doesn't work, sometimes there's just no way to reach the middle ground. Sometimes that 50% both of you have are just different needs/offers and the relationship changes because what you need is not compatible. It happens, you grow, you change, you realize you built something up that wasn't there, you wanted something so badly you tried to make it what is wasn't. That's fine. It happens. It hurts. But you can be graceful about it, like a grown-up.

Your husband isn't a fucking child, stop treating him like one. Your husband is man, a grown-up, a person who deserves respect and kindness and for you to go out of your way to give him some of what he needs. Think about whether he's had sleep, whether he's in a conversational mood, think about all the things you want him to consider before bringing something to you before you unload whatever rant about him or someone else loose. Sometimes they don't want to hear it. Sometimes they don't want to hear it *right then* and because their needs are just as important as yours are, that means you have to fucking wait. You're an adult, you can do it.

My husband and I have had our share of disagreements, we've had the odd shouting match. We've both had a lot of growing to do to learn to trust each other. Part of that was him learning that his home is a safe space, that it's ok to tell me what he needs and wants and won't be accused of manipulating me (thanks angry, childish stepfather). A big part of that was me learning that I do some pretty messed up stuff too. I have a hypersensitive reaction to anger so I tend to try to shut it down, to explain how it's not my fault, to lean into the tiller until the conversation steers in my favor. This was a perfectly useful tactic when I was in a house with a crazy angry person who could escalate at the drop of a hat with her own internal monologue guiding the storm. It's a very *bad* tactic when you're not in a house with an abusive nutcase and are talking to a person you actually like who would like to feel like I listen to him once in a while without showing him (with citations) how he's wrong.

Maybe this is a key. I don't just love my husband, I *like* him. He's a person I like, and I want to treat him well. When he tells me I'm doing something that makes him feel bad, I may feel defensive or under attack, but those are reactions that have to do with the past, not the present. So I take a breath and do my best to let my rational reasonable mind take the lead, and if I fail, I come back to it until I get it right. I make mistakes, that's ok. I work to fix them. If you don't feel like you ever make mistakes, that you're a great wife and mother and the problem is all other people....I have a rude awakening for you.

If you *don't* like your partner, what the hell are you still doing with them?

How to cock-up a perfectly good relationship with unreasonable expectations of everyone involved: yet another tale of smouldering bridges and ponies.

I love shiny things. And fun things. And super awesome adventures. And stories. And stories *about* super awesome shiny adventures! I especially love story time when I have something new and shiny and think about all the fun adventures we could have and all the places we could go and the things we can see and plot and plan and build castles in the sky.

Aaaand ya, I kind of get carried away.

What, me? The very picture of moderation and restraint? It would seem there's a fine line between story time and getting all up in Future Me's business causing hell. See, I have this vision of where I want to be in the future, what kind of family I want and the kinds of people I want around me. Sometimes when I find someone who is interested a little group storytelling, we go back and forth for a while and I lay down the whole epic saga. Even though it seems shiny and awesome, it seems this can be a little daunting. I'm coming to find that not everyone has their own shiny epic plotted out to compare notes right off the bat. And getting the whole thing at once, or even in increments at the beginning can cause a sort of "deer in the headlights" moment that I seem to mistake for plotting. Sometimes when I hear something neat, I sometimes kind of zone out lightly as I figure out how to make it work. It would seem that when other people hear something big and zone out, it can be because they're a little overwhelmed but I seem so excited that they don't want to kill the mood but damn could I slow down a little?

The deeper I dig into my head, the further the rabbit hole seems to go. Every time I feel like I have a handle on things and finally manage to peel back that last paper-thin film of crazy to uncover what I hope is finally some sense of "there", I discover that it's just another layer of crazy-onion, and there's so much more to go. I keep wondering when I'm going to get it right, and then I remember that it's all a work in progress and that I can only do what I do because Past Me didn't know what I know now, she was working on other things. Future Me, on the other hand, I'm sure is getting really tired of me trying to upstage her and Bogart her gig. I keep wanting the whole shiny story now and loose track of what's right in front of me. And when I'm caught up in the story, everything that happens now has repercussions that I weigh against the the whole future story and start pouting when I won't get the pony I don't even have yet. Sometimes I'm like NASA planning a shuttle launch, all careful and cautious and covering all the angles. Sometimes, especially it seems when it involves people I like, I become Johnny Awesome on a quest all "the arrow points that way, onward!" (later) "What exposition? You mean I was supposed to *read* too?". It's like a freaking five year old built my psyche out of bubblegum and glitter....oh, wait.

Where things have been getting better with the Mr., they've been getting weird and distant with, B. We argue about the dumbest stuff, and then spend an hour arguing about why we're arguing. Part of what I'd figured out is that we tend to be really similar. Our shiny red buttons are so close together we get into feedback loops that take on a life of their own. We've tried to resolve this a number of ways and nothing seemed to be working. This last weekend the Nothing we were arguing about started collapsing back into itself. We were reaching a breaking point, contemplating if we could even continue. I knew there were things I needed to say, but my brain was so full of crunching and "FUCK" that I couldn't think of what it was.
We finally turned out the lights and settled into an awkward not-tired pretending-we're-going-to-sleep-now.

And then the talking started. The quiet, timid talk that exhaustion resignation to the inevitable brings. What else do we have to loose? He said that he did feel overwhelmed. That we went so fast, in spite of declaring we'd take it slow, that new thing got piled on top of expectation on top of inexperience on top of excitement. Not surprisingly, we started slipping rather rapidly. He felt like I always wanted more, and I did, because there's a lot of neat stuff out there, but it began to seem like he could never give me enough. he started to pull back, and I'd think it was something wrong so I'd try harder to make it work, to try to explain to him why he was doing it wrong so we could do it right. I didn't mean that the way it might sound, I really felt like I was trying to give him the keys and cheat sheets to my brain-meats, but it came off as yet another reason why he was wrong. I couldn't figure out why he wasn't seeing things right, and then I started examining my own lenses. I realized that I'd been holding him accountable not just for his actions and responses now, but for how they would affect me in the future and how they would fit into a relationship we don't have yet in a house that doesn't exist yet. I realized was taking his resistance as a sign that he didn't want to go the distance, but that was never an agreement he'd actually made. I was letting the weight of what I wanted for the future cause some serious discord in what I had right in front of me. I have a good friend with an adventurous streak who's in a different stage of figuring out what he wants in life. I care about him very much and I'm curious to see what he'll do. I also know that there are some places he probably won't fit, and that my specific saga some years in the future might not feature him as a lead player. Maybe things will change, but there's too much good now to strain it to breaking for a handful of "maybe."

It's hard letting go of outcomes. I forget that from time to time I trust in forces larger than I to sort things out and have my best interest at hand. I forget that I've seen this borne out time and time again, and there has never been anything that's happened to me that has not made me better for it. It's really hard getting it through my head that if I'm going to play with conscientious, puzzle-solving monkeys who lead interesting lives, I'm going to have to accept that those lives won't always go the way I want them to. Their pasts, presents and futures are different, and that's the whole *point* for me, to see how other people do it and learn what I can from them. If their paths happen to line up with mine for a while, that's awesome, but I only have the ground under my feet, not their feet, and not where my feet are about to be. Getting caught up in what isn't is a great way to invalidate the experiences of the others who are here with me now.

The rest of the weekend went better, there were still a lot of unanswered questions. When I got home, I finally had a moment to figure out most of what I've penned here, and wrote a letter of apology/explanation/where-do-we-go-now in hopes of letting him know that much of what he'd said was right, and I'd finally figured out why he was right and that I'd try to take the seriousness out of it. To stop holding him accountable for things neither of us have control over and to stop getting up in Future Me's business. I have a great thing right here. I don't know what will become of it, how long it will last or what it may or may not grow into, but I know that if I keep trying to make it something it isn't, I will destroy what is along with even the chance of getting the pony.
Now I wait for the reply. I hate waiting. But I will, because though they may chafe in places, the grown-up pants make my ass look fantastic.

Jealousy and NRE

I’ve begun to notice a pattern I have with regards to jealousy. Normally, I don’t think of myself as a jealous person, I have moments sure, as we all do, but as I gaze into my navel a larger picture becomes more clear. A wise lady once related to me her tale, she was with a gentleman affectionately known as X of Y, in that he was not the only focus of her attention. And yet when they were out one night she unexpectedly felt rather green about his flirtations with another. Upon reflection she realized this was because her relationship with him was still new and uncertain. It was the uncertainty of her standing that was causing issue. My hunch on the phenomenon is that when we know (or think we do) where we stand, we know what we bring to the table, are secure in our place and can thus compare ourselves more accurately.

Compare seems like the wrong word, it’s not a question of who is better but knowing what space we fill/occupy, and so it’s more clear that the other person is filling some other space and there’s less need to “fear for my job”. This is, of course, assuming that one has a reasonable understanding of who they are when they’re alone, are comfortable in that knowledge and thus have a useful baseline to which they can return.

Anyone who’s ever been in love ever knows in their bones the happy, giddy, irrational insecurity of the New Relationship Energy. This person is the most awesomest person ever and we should totally move in and get matching tattoos and be awesome 4EVAR! We’re wired for this as a species. It’s a chemical reaction that compels us to seek out mates with the force of stars slamming into each other, and if not handled carefully, with dramatic consequences of astronomical proportions.

In what is perhaps a testament to the primal and powerful force that this is, I note that in my heady(er) days of trying new things I acted more rationally with a head full of drugs, some so exotic they didn’t have street names yet, just some alphabet soup, than I do under the influence of NRE. I’ve had several sets of rules over the years tailored to keep me out of trouble during such times, and I’ve been able to follow them. And yet, when under the influence of the emotional tidewaters things that normally sound like *horrible* ideas, full of hubris, selfishness, bad planning, impulsive desires and insanity seem like the most compelling and reasonable plans a person could ask for. Even attempts to bounce ideas off of unaffected people to try to reduce the insanity only helps a little as the story I tell tends to be selective. It’s not that I’m trying to be sneaky, but because at the moment I really do need the thing I want or I’ll fucking die.

Really.

I’m just sure of it.

I’ve had to make blanket rules about things like not being allowed to set people up or otherwise interfere with a relationship if I’m dating either party. The things I need tend to overshadow the things they need and I push too hard (me? Pushy!?). Note that this is not the same as not being involved with anyone my partners choose to date. I’m just not allowed to play matchmaker or to lead or direct.

This leads me to the jealousy bit. In the throes of this delicious madness, I’m still trying to figure out the many ways I fit with this person. At this stage, anything is possible, there are so many roles I could play, nothing is certain but the drive to figure it out (often by trying out as many combinations as possible (ahem)).

If you’ve presence of mind enough to have a reasonable discussion about this, topics may include possible futures. For sure, talk about anyone with whom you’re currently involved and anyone who might be on the docket at that moment. Some light conversations about big pictures and goals and whatnot are also appropriate.

But for the love of Troy, don’t start heady conversations about the boy/girlfriends you want to seek out in the (near) future, wanting to find more lovers or subs or tops or spouses or what-have-you until a comfortable place has been reached, like, after the NRE has given us our brains back. Sure, I know it’s a possibility, and on an intellectual level I want you to be happy and find lots of friends and generally do your thing. I know that I’m not going to be your one and only, but my footing is still unsure, I don’t know where I fit yet, what I mean to you, and until I do I feel very replaceable. Things are delicate enough dealing with people who actually *are* involved and in play and juggling everyone’s feelings is a feat in itself without introducing hypothetical people as well. Now I have to compete with this person neither of us even knows about because I don’t know what I have to offer you that you want so I don’t know…..a lot.

There’s a lot of unknown. That beginning is a very delicate time where everyone wants to feel special and the crazy monkey inside is still under the influence of the “forever and always” drive, so it’s probably best to save the long rational discussions for when reason returns.

On how to be human...

Some thoughts from many years ago that help me stay grounded. When I remember them.

I take full responsibility for my emotional, physical, spiritual and mental well-being. I absolve all others, living or dead, present or absent, from any responsibility for my well-being, happiness, agency, creativity, potential or ability to act.
I agree to be be respectful in my behaviour by asking for what I want directly.
I agree to acknowledge feedback, understanding that acknowledgment does not need to indicate agreement. I take full responsibility for my participation in this process. I am willing to have learning and transformation happen in ways that are loving and kind to me and everyone else. My feelings are not my responsibility. They are often messy, irrational and not readily understandable. My feelings are an unarguable truth. "I feel happy/sad/excited/afraid"
I will honor that truth and my feelings. My *actions* are absolutely my responsibility. Every action and word is a deliberate and controllable choice and should be for the greatest good of all involved to the best of my abilities.

Principles:
Mindfulness
Paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment and non-judgmentally. This kind of attention nurtures greater awareness, clarity and acceptance of present moment reality. it wakes us up to the fact that our lives unfold only in moments. If we are not fully present to these moments, we may not only miss what is most valuable in out lives, but also fail to realize the richness and depth of out possibilities for growth and transformation.

Responsibility
To own one’s own experience. To acknowledge the event of experience, accept the feelings one felt of feels and the interpretations that one created without blame. take 100% responsibility for one’s own experience, being neither victim nor the enabler or persecutor.

Connectedness
“The Universe is unity, an interacting and genetically related community of beings bound together in an inseparable relationship in space and time; each being of the planet is profoundly implicated in the existence and functioning of every other being on the planet.” Thomas Berry

Somatosynthesis
Soma, means the body as experienced from within; synthesis, means the integration of elements into a unified whole, also, implying a particular method of realizing this whole. In this program somatosynthesis covers a wide range of methods and inner work that honor the body’s wisdom with the intent of healing and wholeness.

Self Expression
any form of creative expression that draws on inner sources: example - clay work, drawing, painting, dance, singing, music, writing, etc.

Truthfulness
To speak or write truthfully about one’s own experiences: sense, feel, think, want and do. This extends to the practice of speaking the “unarguable” truth.

Personal Knowing
Many of the above practices contribute to this sense of inner knowing along with a sense of self assurance and differentiation.

Flexibility
Fluid, yet grounded in the world: open to change, fluid like water. This applies to body, mind and spirit. As we know, they are interrelated. Examples of methods: somatic stretches, tai chi, movement, awareness of attitude, letting go.

Systemic Wisdom
An awareness of ourselves as systems and our inter-relationship within and to other systems; the ability to notice patterns in time and space that help us to have insight into out lives and the lives of others.

Commitment
The ability to express intentionality that arises out of a deep quality of caring, a sense of vision combines with responsibility and the ability to make, sustain and negotiate agreements leading to creative actions and being.

Creative, Conscious Living Skills.
Feelings:
Know what you are actually feeling when you are feeling it.
Discriminate between different feelings and sensations. i.e., between hunger and fear.
Know where your experience feelings in your body
Know the true source of your feelings (i.e. Some people thing the source of their anger is their
ex-wife, when it is actually in their relationship with their mother.)
Be able to talk about feelings in such a way that other people understand..
Be able to focus attention on feelings until they are no longer an issue.

Truth:
Communicate the details of what is going on in any given moment in a way that doesn’t blame
anyone.
Take responsibility for communication until the other person comprehends.
Be the source and initiator of truth in any situation.
Know the body sensations and experiences associate with being in a state of truth and
transparency and those associated with withholding.
Be able to tell the truth under duress.

Agreements:
Keep the agreements you make
Do not make agreements that you don’t want to make
Select arguments that you do not want to make
Know how to change agreements if they are not working
Come to the realm of making agreements from seeing that keeping agreements increases aliveness, rather than seeing that the world is making you do something

“If you try to dominate other people, you’re already defeated”
“People always do the best way they know how.”

Myths and Preconceptions about Feelings
Trish McKenny and Ebo Teichmann, Reach for the Stars 1997.

1. if I really feel my feelings, I’ll be overwhelmed.
2. if i allow myself to feel my feelings completely, they will never go away.
3. Feeling my feelings will make me irrational.
4. feeling my feelings will make me lose control.
5. feelings are dark, evil, dangerous and the work of the devil.
6. Allowing myself to fully feel my feelings is sinful.
7. I can choose not to have the feelings I don’t want.
8. Having strong feelings means that I am indulging myself.
9. Feeling my feelings means that I am weak. Strong people control their feelings.
10. When I ignore (suppress, distract myself from, anesthetize myself from, etc.) my feelings,
they go away.
11. Feelings have no place in rational behaviour.
12. Feelings are contagious from one person to another.
13. The best way to help someone in the grip of strong feelings is to try to talk them out of
having feelings.
14. Having the feelings of _________means _________.
15. Having strong feelings means that I am immature or unstable.
16. Expressing strong feelings to a person I am close to endangers the relationship and therefor I must never do it.
17. Other people can make me feel ____________.
18. I am helpless in the grip of my feelings.
19. If I feel something strongly, I’ll have to act on it.
20. Feelings are inferior to thoughts.
21. Feelings are not to be trusted.
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“The deeper sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” -Gibran

“Many of us spend our whole lives running from feeling with the mistaken belief that you cannot bear the pain. But you have already borne the pain. What you have not done is feel all you are beyond that pain.” Bartholomew

“Courage is mastery of fear, not absence of fear” Mark Twain

Anger
“There are so many roots to the tree of anger that sometimes the branches shatter before they bear” Audre Lorde

“If your heart is a volcano, how shall you expect flowers to bloom in your hands?” Gibran

Anger is useful. Anger isn’t good or bad, it just is.
My anger is good for me, I can deal with anger effectively.
I pay attention to what my anger has ti teach me.
Anger is a survival tool, it can protect me.
Knowing how to handle anger is a survivor’s skill.

Constructive Anger
Express feelings honestly to yourself be tactful and honest with others
Try to see the world through the other person’s eyes, even though you disagree
Do something productive to solve the problem
Eventually let go of the anger, learn something and feel happy again.
Commit yourself to others' happiness, your goal is to feel closer to her or him
Look for a win/win solution

Destructive Anger
Deny your feelings or express by lashing out and attacking another
Argue defensively and make the other person wrong
Give up and see yourself as victim
Let anger become addictive. Don't let go of it
Avoid or reject the other person write him or her off
Continue to battle and compete. If one person wins, the other has to lose.
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Be brave. It takes courage to be happy.